Noble Peace Prize???

US President is declared the winner of this year's Nobel Peace Prize. I would like to congratulate him for this... though I'm sure he'd be as stumped as I am or for that matter everyone in this world except may be for the organisers of this prize (I think its called the Nobel foundation) unless they had done a draw of lots.. then even they would be stumped.

Nah.. I ain't going to harp more about this piece of crap.. cuz I already harped about it on my other blog. Just wondering whether... what happens if...

All of a sudden just when Ol' boy Obama is about to take the award, it is announced:

And this years Nobel PEAS prize for eating the most number of peas in a year goes to Mr. Barack Obama of the United States!!!

 Lets hope Obama has an apt THANK YOU speech ready for that occasion. Ummm., lemme help him with that:

Peas Peas - Good for the Heart

The more you eat the more your Fart

The more you fart the better you Feel

So eat peas for every Meal !!!


Applause Applause

Solar Energy usage on the UPPP

This is just in from Reuters: "Distributed Solar Energy Market to Reach $55 Billion by 2012, Says XYZZ Research" (name withheld without request)

Nah, I'm not going to give a link to this report nor am I going to summarize the report in 10 bullet points (bullet points are so ickky.. look like goat doo.. yuckkk). Go look at the report for yourself.. Google it or whatever you wanna do.

Why am I harping bout this solar energy usage... Cuz its time to PANIC!!! Head for the hills!!!

Scientists sponsored by a certain Crown Prince of a Black Gold country have unearthed a chilling secret... that excess use of solar energy could cause the climate to destabilize and result in massive global freezing.

"As we all know, the energy from the sun pours down from up above the world so high from the sun in the sky and hits the ground and bounces back into the atmosphere making the atmosphere warm and conducive to life in all forms... from the unicellular bodied amoeba to the unicellular brained dimbot by the name of... umm I forgot that idiot's name.. anyways must not have been worth remembering either!!!", said Richard Winston Tobias Esquire Junior, Senior Research Analyst heading this sponsored research. "If you captured that energy, none of it would bounce back into the atmosphere and it would cool down and that might result in  a massive Ice Age and mind you this one's for real and not at all as funny as the 3 movies"

Tobias also added, "Barring a few millionaires buried deep underground with food and resources and a large consignment of thermal underwear, all life from all walks of life would be completely frozen and destroyed by the 4000 years of Ice Age"

Upon release of this startling report, the September futures of certain thermal underwear manufacturers were seen trading at 200% premium at all exchanges across the world. However, certain other scientists working at the Wentbridge Research Laboratory in UK claimed, "Even if we made the entire planet solar dependent we would be capturing such a tiny percentage of sunlight it's not even measurable". The Wentbridge Research Laboratory promptly censored these comments and suspended these scientists for 25 weeks without stipend as the Crown Prince of this Black Gold country has made substantial donations to Wentbridge under a fictitious name.

Meanwhile, in a move to cash out on the chaos caused by this report, Rupert Frankon of the Celibate Group, has announced creation of a Rupert Frankon Salvation fund to protect certain elligible important people like himself from this impending disaster subsequent to the use of excessive solar energy. Here are a few excerpts from his interview (or should I call it sales pitch)

Do yourself a favor and pick up your telephone, call now. 2-977-8-UNDIES. What better place to witness 4000 years of winter, then from the comfort of your very own thermal shelter with your own thermal underwear with classic red CELIBATE logo around the crotch. Donate generously and donate now. When we raise 25 million we will build a 50 story tall likeness of me. If we raise 300 million the statue will rotate so I can look over this great city and cast an evil eye on degenerates.and when the eminent Ice Age occurs, those who put faith into action with sufficient generous contributions will join me Rupert Frankon in the Rupert Frankon Salvation statue for a wonderful 4000 years of partying in branded thermal underwear.. other clothes strictly optional!!! Pick up your telephone, call now. 2-977-8-UNDIES.

On a lighter note, here's another disadvantage that these researchers seem to have overlooked... Imagine every home fitted with solar panels on their roofs. Solar panels are ugly... so people don't like to look at them... Because everyone has them on their roofs, people will hardly get our of their houses to walk around... because they won't walk around, they will get Obese and Unhealthy... So solar energy is harmful to our health!!!

This concludes another edition of Retro-thinking!!!

Fountainhead Shrugged

Continuing to play the anti-outsourcing card, Prez Barack Obama said sometime back, "While America cannot 'shy away' from globalisation, it would have to take measures to ensure that jobs are not shipped overseas. We have to stop providing tax breaks for companies that are shipping jobs overseas and give those tax breaks to companies that are investing here in the United States of America"

Its really ironical that fate has brought the pioneers of the free-market economy to such a situation that they have to resort to such cheapshots a.k.a. restrictive trade practices (mind u i aint an expert on these terms.. am using them randomly.. so please excuse any wrongs.. or just buzz off)

But truly, America has to indulge itself in these times... Let me rephrase Obama in a more apt manner of the ROCKSTAR from the City of Vices...

What makes a real American? A cowboy hat? Enjoying a fine T-bone steak? Going to a baseball game? Shooting a gun? Maybe it’s the freedom to go into a poor country and tell them how to do things?! Heh! Those are all great qualities! But one thing that makes a true patriot is the ability to choose an American car! When you buy an import you take a hot meal off a hardworking American’s table. These poor Yanks are going to starve to death, just because you bought a cheaper, more efficient Asian car. Without gross symbols of excess, what will Americans have to look up to? Our great industries are threatened! Cars, pornography, armaments! And they need your help! So the next time you buy a car, a piece of adult literature or a missile defense system! Make sure you do the American thing!

Another Weapon of Mass Destruction

In a revolutionary statement, the banana terrorist republic of Kyanzeey announced that its military has succeeded in creating the world's first Eco-Friendly Weapon of Mass Destruction.
This technology, experts claim, can be used in place of conventional warheads or with RPGs and only destroys human life leaving animals and plants untouched and unscathed.

The weapon codenamed "Uncle-of-all-weapons" (UOAW) works by emitting a psychologically/metaphysically modified bio-toxin, derived from over-ripe half-rotten bananas, that will only bind with neuro-receptors on human brains. Once the binding is complete, the toxin stimulates the release of special chemicals which accelerate the ageing of humans by 5706.3957 times so that every person in all probability dies in approximately 39.56874 minutes of coming in contact with the toxin. The ageing process is governed by the a variation of a immensely complex process known as the Simplified Protocol for Accelerated Ageing (a.k.a. 10-degree rule) which was itself developed around the collision theory based Arrhenius Model.

"We consider this a major breakthrough toward becoming a terrorist republic that truly cares about the environment", said Von Claus, Secretary of Interstate Offensive affairs under condition of anonymity.

Talking about the fallout issues, Claus claimed that the toxin would only remain airborne for about 3 days before it became inert, settled into the Earth as a rich phosphate compound similar to Urea thereby acting as a good fertilizer.

"After our UOAW has succeeded in killing all the people, we will send our soldiers in to do the gardening, feed the pets and take care of the homes", claus said in a reassuring tone. "Consider it like a peaceful death without worries about your favourite chrysanthemum or your mother-in-law's pooch", said Claus.

However, certain bureaucrats from the Untied Stepz of ICKa have cautioned Kyanzeey against the production of these weapons stating, "Only the Untied Stepz can be trusted with weapons of mass destruction such as this".

Meanwhile trusted sources from the Taliban militia have claimed that they have conceptualised further development of this ecologically correct bomb to make it politically correct. "Our weapons will be tailor made to kill Americans only", said the source.

Disclaimer: This article is the result of a great deal of research (read aimless googling and CTRL C – CTRL V) and is written in good jest with no intent of ridiculing the mentioned parties.

Bailout Santa??

Another shocking news in the wake of the GM, Chrysler and Ford turning to the Congress in search of a 34 billion-dollar bailout found Santa Claus asking for two billion dollars to keep North Pole Enterprises, LLC, the Santa Claus holding company alive. Earlier in the week, its stock price plummeted from $80 to .25 cents per share. Given the tight credit market, it has become increasingly difficult for the company to get loans in order to finance payroll.

A clearly troubled Santa Claus who testified before the Congress indicated that Christmas might have to be canceled if North Pole Enterprises, LLC, did not immediately receive two billion dollars from Congress by December 20th.

The chairman of the Senate Banking Committee on the condition of anonymity expressed, "My first emotion is shock. Initially, I thought you were a myth. But my emotion now quickly changes to disgust. When I was five, I wrote to you for a pony. I even left out some cocoa. And what did I get? A freakin' Mechanix set." Indeed bi-partisan childhood letdowns may stall any bailout package. "I don't know that I can trust 2 billion dollars to a person who couldn't even deliver on a simple request, a Lionel HO gauge train set, I made when I was eight," said another Republican Senator.

Santa did not blanch from any criticism. "I know I've let many children down. When you've been doing this for 600 odd years, it's going to happen. And I will admit that I had a substance abuse problem for many of those years. I was drinking 100-200 cups of cocoa a day and then lapsing into a sugar coma. I've got that under control now. What I can't control is the economy."

Another Senator pointedly asked, "Mr. Claus, I've read over your proposed bailout plan many times. And frankly I have to ask are you back on cocoa?" Claus in an equally pointed reply said, "I could just say, ‘Do you want a lump of coal this year’, but that's too valuable an energy source to give away. What I will say is that I didn't come here on a Gulfstream jet. I came here in a sleigh pulled by six reindeer. "

Santa then went on to say that if he did not receive 2 billion dollars from the Congress by December 20th, he would have to cancel Christmas. And even if the funding were okayed by the Congress, Christmas would still have to be "curtailed" with several children receiving substandard toys costing well below the median demand of $4983 per child. Claus also said that 30,000 elves would still have to be laid off "as more computer based gifts are outsourced to elves in Sri Lanka."

"If North Pole Enterprises fails, its elves would no longer get paid. I would no longer be able to pay myself my annual salary of $30 million. If the elves don't get paid, then they can't order pizzas, buy beer, and subscribe to internet porn sites. If they can't do that, then pizza shops and liquor stores lose revenue, and will have to layoff their employees. If the elves can't subscribe to internet porn sites, then there will be less porn stars and porn stars get less money, which, in turn, would mean less money for them to, say, buy drugs from CIA-connected dealers, which, in turn, would mean politicians get less in kickbacks and bribes. Thus it is in the best political interests of Congress to act now, by giving North Pole Enterprises a 2 billion-dollar bailout," Santa told Congress members.

Disclaimer: This article is the result of a great deal of research (read aimless googling and CTRL C – CTRL V) and is written in good jest with no intent of ridiculing the mentioned parties.

Universal Crisis

November 19, Heaven - In an unprecedented move yesterday, God has formally announced that production facilities on the Sun, the star allegedly at the centre of the our Solar System, will now be cutting production of solar energy by 17%. While it is evident that this will lead to the dimming of the Sun, the fact whether the production cut will be effected by worker layoff or through other means still remains in the dark (pun intended.. i think that was a pun)

Partly reliable sources confirmed that there are various reasons behind this decision to cut production. The employee turnover at the production facility remains high due to the fact that there is a high probability of vapourising of the workforce dur to high temperatures. However, this vapourisation reduces the fuel consumption at the production facilities and also minimises burden on the Healthcare plans and retirement accounts of the Sun Solar Energy Inc. (the subsidiary running the solar production facility on the Sun). Further rising fuel costs and waning resources have plagued the production facility for the past 100 million years due to the doubling of capacity to supply energy to planets beyond Big Jove. There have been scattered instances of Energy theft that have further decreased revenues of Sun Solar Energy Inc.

Meanwhile in another news it was claimed by an unreliable source that God has been running the Universe in a loss for the past 10 billion years. "The problem", the source said, "is that the price of galaxies kept going up and up. God kept building more and more galaxies on the assumption that the price would go higher. It is estimated that there are currently 200 billion galaxies with a further 300 billion in WIP. Financial analysts state that the Universe's real estate market will collapse in the next 500 years unless someone buys it out.

It is claimed that God has defualted on a $31415926535897932384626433 bn and may be forced to file for section 11 bankruptcy protection if the sorry state of universal affairs continues for another couple of decades or so.

God himself was unavailable for comment.

Meanwhile, the outgoing Bush Administration has claimed credit for erasing the effects of global warming, saying it's fiscal policies had a direct relation to both the cooling economy and star.

Disclaimer: This article is the result of a great deal of research (read aimless googling and CTRL C – CTRL V) and is written in good jest with no intent of ridiculing the mentioned parties.

Lets get Poli-Tickle

Washington DC – The Congress today announced that the office of the President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India wef March 1, 2009. The move is being made in response to tremendous amounts of pressure from the business lobby opposing President-elect, Barrack Obama’s anti-outsourcing views and plan of action. Further this decision also aims at saving the President’s $700,000 yearly salary, and also a record $672 billion in expenditures that the presidential office has incurred in the past 4 years. It is anticipated $300 billion can be saved by the end of the next 4-year “outsourced” presidential term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated an unnamed Congressman. "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," the Congressman noted.
Mr. Obama was informed by e-mail about this decision asking him to prepare a knowledge transition (KT) plan (as it is known in the outsourcing circles) to train the incoming outsourced (what an oxymoron!!) president about the various duties to be performed. Mr. Obama has also been asked to stay on board in an advisory capacity.
It is also planned to use the knowledge banks at Iron Mountain Inc (NYSE: IRM), which contain the brain maps of previous 6 presidents, to create a script tree which will enable the Outsourced Prez to respond effectively to most topics of concern without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson." The earlier President has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."
On being asked about the possible vendors that the Congress would be looking at for this project, the spokesperson remarked, “We are not very clear on the attributes that we would be requiring of the person who would be responsible for dispensing the presidential duties. So we are planning to invite a few Indian companies to do a Requirements Gathering exercise and propose a suitable model. Currently we may be satisfied with a 8x5 model for service but in the coming years we would definitely want to expand the scope of services to a 24x7 model.”
Mr. Obama remained tight-lipped when asked about his future plans, but it is dead clear that like the earlier president, he too will have problems securing a new job due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

Disclaimer: This article is the result of a great deal of research (read aimless googling and CTRL C – CTRL V) and is written in good jest with no intent of ridiculing the mentioned parties.

BRAND BRAINER: Getting connected with green mobiles

GLOBAL consumer electronics and mobile phone vendors are going green in India. Heavyweight brands like Nokia, LG, Samsung and Haier, among others, are planning to roll out products that will be positioned on an environmentfriendly platform. It is the first time that environment as a brand strategy has evolved in the Indian consumer electronics industry.

Click here for the entire article
http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Repository/ml.asp?Ref=RVRNLzIwMDgvMDcvMTkjQXIwMDQwMQ==&Mode=HTML&Locale=english-skin-custom

Your's truly was the first to report this incident here:
http://h3donist.blogspot.com/2008/05/mock-ya-announces-green-phone-thats-umm.html


Hedonist Rules!!! Faster than "SABSE TEZ" ;)

Auto JUNK-shun

The Society of Indian Automobile Manufacturers (SIAM) today released a statement declaring the Batata Sandica Skaeta as an endangered species stating that its urban habitat is being threatened by rising gas prices. As the crude prices crossed $134, SIAM also stated that it is going to launch a nationwide demonstration to garner support for its movement to protect the Skaeta from extinction.

Batata, in a counter move against rising oil prices announced the launch of its unique 1 HP car. This car,codenamed ska123xyz, currently in its design phases, will house a groundbreaking 1 horse power engine... actually will house a single specially trained horse to be precise.

The horse that would be made available in a package deal with the vehicle can double up as a mechanic, claims Batata.

"We are planning to launch the car around december this year and have tentatively fixed December 20 as the roll out date," a top company official said.

- News you can lose

Disclaimer: This article is presented in good jest and is intended to be taken in that way. It is purely fictional and bears no resemblance with any thing or person in whatever state of matter.

Mock-ya announces Green phones, that are... umm.. GREEN!

Mock-ya, in order to gain the 1st position from which it had dropped to 10th position in the list of most eco-friendly technological innovators, has announced the plan to launch 40 new green mobile phones this year, in India. Not only are these phones going to be green in colour, these are also going to be bio-degradable. The materials to be used include polylactic acid (PLA) plastics with plant and other biomass-based modifiers. In addition, Mock-ya is also working on providing hand crank/solar chargers for charging these phones in an eco-friendly way.

What's more, these phones can be converted into wonderful fertilizer by simply burrying these phones like any other biomass. Great way to get rid of phones you get bored of.. just feed them to your favourite plant!!

But, customer rights activist, RRT Siakuma has claimed that these phones have a tendency to simply disintegrate over time especially in hot and humid climates like India. The activist stated that this was a ploy of the electronic giant to boost its waning sales fooling clueless customers.However, Blackpeas, a global organization promoting environment conservation has applauded this announcement saying that this could be a new beginning of a green approach to modernization very much like Natural Gas powered wind turbines used by energy giant Buslorn.

Incidently, on the heels of Mock-ya's anouncement of introducing these eco-friendly phones, Buslorn has claimed that it has just discovered a new highly potent source of natural gas to power its wind turbines all around the world. Experts from Buslorn said in a statement released to the press late last night, just hours after Mock-ya's announcement, that they have deviced a new, innovative mechanism for extracting Natural gas from Mock-ya's phones as well as phone users. Its is estimated that with these sources, enough natural gas would be collected to provide enough energy to the world's entire population for the next 1200 years.

Following, these announcements, the share price of both companies remained unchanged.

- News you can lose

Disclaimer: This article is presented in good jest and is intended to be taken in that way. It is purely fictional and bears no resemblance with any thing or person in whatever state of matter.

Batata launches Sandica Phsita with hybrid engine

Homegrown major Batata Motors today announced it will be launching a new variant of the recently launched dual fuelled variant of its hatchback 'sandica'. This new version, the Sandica V2 Pshita will sport an entirely new look with the exteriors.. yes the exteriors completely covered with fur.

The company said in a statement, that it is going to offer a practical and affordable family car that runs on something other than oil and that sharply reduces both greenhouse gas emissions and your fuel bill? It can run 40 kilometers on electricity before reverting to running efficiently on gasoline like a normal hybrid, such as the Toyota Prius. Because the majority of people drive less than 40 kilometers a day, that car can replace most weekly gasoline use, even if it is charged only once a day. The fuel cost per mile, while running on electricity, is under one-third the current cost of gasoline. A full overnight charge might cost a dollar. The car accelerates like a cheetah, though quietly.

The silence of the car is attributed to the fur coating which is claimed to absorb all the noise that is generated from under the hood as well as whatever noise the creatures housed inside the car. Also, the company also claims that the fur will help preventing the car from getting scratches by repeated attacks from the city traffic and the stray and not so stray dogs that seem to be attracted more to the fur than to the tires where they generally like to raise a foot and mark territories indiscretely. The reason for this attraction can be attributed to the wet dog smell that starts emanating from the fur soon after it leaves the showroom.

Coming back to protective properties of the fur coating, the company also claims that in the unlikely or may be somewhat likely (due to the slight oversteer inherent in the new variant, which tends to make the car skid uncontrolably at high speeds) event of a crash, besides cushioning the impact, the fur will also hide any damage to the body of the car (though no such guarantee is offered for the bodies of passengers in the car) thereby reducing the maintenance costs.

The Pshita will initially be launched in two variants - the U-GLI and the U-GLI-R. The Pshita U-GLI variant is priced at Rs 4.27 lakh (ex-showroom, Delhi), while the Pshita U-GLI-R variant is priced at Rs 4.42 lakh (ex-showroom, Delhi)," the statement said.

- News you can lose

Disclaimer: This article is presented in good jest and is intended to be taken in that way. It is purely fictional and bears no resemblance with any thing or person in whatever state of matter.