Dynamics of Inter-Being & Monological Imperatives: A Study in "Comic" Trans-Relational Gender Modes and Biases

Indo-Pak border. Vigorous firing from both sides. The Indians as usual getting the upper hand. One particular soldier by the name of Pawan Kumar Jhonke advances across the border and goes unhindered into Pak territory and comes back unhindered again. HOW??

Simple...

Panchee, Nadiyaan, Pawan K. Jhonke (our soldier)... Koi Sarhadd na inhe roke!!!

Just came across a fellow blogger who posted about aspiring to be a stand-up comedian and trying to go into the record books for the longest running stand-up comedy show... ummm.. may be he's planning to do it sitting down to conserve his stamina but anyways... this friend is trying to do a stand-up (or sit-down) comedy show.. So I thought I'd add a few of my jokes for his benefit. Nah!!! the opening line was not for his benefit, it was for yours. This way, by having you tearing away at your hair, I would be successfully lowering your expectations from this post and so any crap that goes in here gets better marks.

I think that was a secret strategy that many engineering and other students have exploited along with the inherent skill of illegible handwriting and a hanful of hindi film lyrics to the hilt to gain marks from unsuspecting, innocent, poor professors.

One classic case:

Economics exam... short note on law of diminishing marginal utility... Ask the neighbour, "Psst, show me that graph... Cmon.. or you shall face music after the exam." Copying the graph, smirking at the bewildered and scared look on the neighbour's face. Looking at the time... just 2 min to the final bell... the pen moving in a flashed blur over the answer paper... half the answer vomited from memory.. but not enuff... cmon... There's more to this... cmon... damn.. cant remember.. shudn't have kept gallavanting with the girl next door instead of cramming this answer... damn.. the invigilator coming to take away the papers... time for crisis management... and some bollywood lyrics in classic ugly handwriting... Panchee, nadiya, pawan k jhonke - koi sarhadd na inhe roke - sarhadd insaanon ke liye hai... fills the page.. and finishing touches "I and the guy in front of me don't know anything (oops the U in gUy looks like an A... too late... and anyways thats the truth aint it)" Handing over the paper to the invigilator and glancing at the neighbour who had so kindly showed him the diagram... that guy's busy labelling the diagram "NPSH of a Centrifugal pump at STP"

Surprise Surprise!!!

Coming back to the sit-down comedy show... just heard this hilarious joke on a Russel Peter's show. "In India, you'd find a lot of women called Pretty (preety, preeti, preity). Well from their looks you might think their last name was Nasty"

Nah!! I ain't into woman bashing... but here's something for all ye women out there to chew upon...

Lemme repeat.. kindly do not brand me as a misogynist (MCP is passe.. it now stands for microsoft certified professional)

Ok.. ok.. heres one for the ladies:

A man walks up to me.. all excited and flustered... yelling "I've found my Miss. RIGHT"

Few months later, I see him at the bar looking all morose. "Wassup pal?? Something wrong??"

He replies, "Yeah!! The wife!!"

"Why?? some days back you were all ecstatic bout finding Your Miss. RIGHT. Now what??"

"Damn, it was only after marriage that I realised that her first name was ALWAYS!!"

"So, how bad is it?? Are you two always arguing and disagreeing with each other??"

Trying to look resolute and calm, "Oh, no no no. She always agrees with me. Every time we are about to have a fight.. I say: I was wrong.. and she agrees!!"

Ummm.. anyone interested in some Brad Pitt Trivia??

Here's an excerpt from some "pillow talk" between a newly married Brad Pitt and his wife (ex now) Jennifer Anniston

Brad: Jen, you know what I like the most bout being married??

Jennifer(cuddling up to him, thinking something romantic was about to happed): What?

Brad: You know... I can fart in bed whenever and however I want!!!

Jennifer: Eww.. all you men are the same! Why oh Why do men pass gas more than women?

Brad: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. Ha ha ha ha haaah

Let me end this with another classic Calvin comic strip:D

Around the World in 8 Pics

Some more places worth a visit.. with breath-taking views all across the world!!!

Taken from the collection of Yann Arthus-Betrand. For more of these wonderful pics... wait up... Alliance Francaise is organising an exhibition of such masterpieces on the Marine Drive... all of this December!!!

And here are some wonderful pics by me..

I call this collection: Heaven on Earth... which started off in East Westphalia... now thats more like me!!!

PS: These taste nice too :D

Noble Peace Prize???

US President is declared the winner of this year's Nobel Peace Prize. I would like to congratulate him for this... though I'm sure he'd be as stumped as I am or for that matter everyone in this world except may be for the organisers of this prize (I think its called the Nobel foundation) unless they had done a draw of lots.. then even they would be stumped.

Nah.. I ain't going to harp more about this piece of crap.. cuz I already harped about it on my other blog. Just wondering whether... what happens if...

All of a sudden just when Ol' boy Obama is about to take the award, it is announced:

And this years Nobel PEAS prize for eating the most number of peas in a year goes to Mr. Barack Obama of the United States!!!

 Lets hope Obama has an apt THANK YOU speech ready for that occasion. Ummm., lemme help him with that:

Peas Peas - Good for the Heart

The more you eat the more your Fart

The more you fart the better you Feel

So eat peas for every Meal !!!


Applause Applause

Pearls of Wisdom... or random incoherent babble

Its been quite some time since I posted some quality crap... had been thinking about a good topic. But couldn't zero-in on anything worthwhile.

Contemplated on the Big Bang.. but realised that there are too many theories supporting or opposing that poor little theory.. so thought that I'd give good ol' Einstein some more time to Rest In Peas (his grave is covered with pea vines I think.. or may be its the Farmville hangover)

Then reached out to more contemporary people... Deepak Chopra, to be precise, and his Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. Well, I did give it a serious thought, especially to the Law of Least Effort - which in general says "Don't do anything.. things will sort themselves... just as the grass grows by itself without any interference from anyone (weeds more so)". So, in the end didn't put much effort into it and let Mr. Chopra sort himself all by himself.. after all he's got a lot of load on himself with all those $2500 per person per 3 hour session to conduct.

Oh!! speaking of Deepak Chopra... have you realised what would happen if Oprah Winfrey decided to marry him one fine day?? Ummm, nothing special for Deepak though.. but Oprah would then be known as Oprah Chopra... ahhhh.. I sense a song coming up in some Bollywood film in the near or far future..."Oprah Chopra Chopra, Mere dil ka yeh Jhopda..."

And speaking of Spiritual Laws.. most of us must have heard wise elders mouth the adage "Neki kar.. dariya mein daal". Last night knowledge dawned upon me that in the early days people needed to do "Neki" and put it in "Dariya".. these days we use the loo... So I think its time to reword that old adage from "Neki kar.. dariya mein daal" to just "FLUSH"... means the same.. oh yeah!! it could also replace "Kiye karaye par paani faerna"

Moving on to more knowledge from the Wise Old Elders... "Karm karo.. phal ki chinta mat karo" comes to my mind. Perfect excuse for the modern employee... do some work.. whether you attain your target or not isn't important... or better still (metaphorically speaking) "shoot the arrow first and then call whatever you hit as your target".

The previous paragraph reminds me of our great scientists at ISRO and their dear little baby.. the Chandrayaan.. Some weeks back read the news "Chandrayaan lost... ISRO says mission successful" - KARM KARO.. PHAL KI CHINTA MAT KARO

35 Sawaal baad

Have been tagged by NEHA to answer these questions... Mind you haven't had lunch.. so might feast on your brains and other senses if you read this post

1.What is your current obsession ?

PJs and my blog

2. What are you wearing today?

Sydenham T and grey green shorts... with too many pockets

3. What’s for dinner?

Probably going out tonight

4. What’s the last thing you bought?

Lotsa things from Staples... had gone in only for a black printer cartridge (which was out of stock)

5. What are you listening to right now?

Ab Good Knight k saath chaar coil extra (aweful advertising and Rani Mukherjee)

6. What do you think about the person who tagged you?

ummmm... ohh... hmmmm... NO COMMENTS... whatever I say is bound to be taken as a joke... so might as well say "HAHAHAHA"... btw.. she doesn't like my sense of humour

7. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?

South Mumbai (Conceited enuff??)

8. What are your must-have pieces for summer?

Pankha and of course a glass filled with crushed ice with a large dash of blue curacao with some lemon juice and lil' bit of sugar

9. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?

To get a refil (refer answer 8) or may be one of the places I keep describing in my blog (off the beaten track )

10. Which language do you want to learn?

English is bad enough.. ever wondered how would you use tense if you'd been time travelling?? for instance how would you describe something (in English) that was about to happen to you in the past before you avoided it by time-jumping forward two days just to avoid it. The event will be described differently depending on whether you are talking about it with respect to (W.R.T.) your own natural time, W.R.T. a time in the further future, or W.R.T. a time in the further past and is further complicated by the possibility of conducting conversations whilst you are actually travelling from one time to another with the intention of becoming your own father or mother.

11. What’s your favourite quote?

Hedonist to the Core

12. Who do you want to meet right now?

Anyone who would want to bequeath 1 billion dollars to me... any takers??

13. What is your favourite colour?

Blue.. blue denim.. blue sky.. blue curacoa..

14. What is your favourite piece of clothing in your own closet?

Obviously I'm wearing it...How would it be favourite if its in my closet!!!

15. What is your dream job?

President of United States... oh damn.. its going to be Bangalored now... better start looking (or should I say dreaming) for a new job now!!!

16. What’s your favorite magazine?

I prefer blogs

17. If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?

Well.. may be a new graphics card for my PC... awww.. I think I need a new PC only

18. What do you consider a fashion faux pas?

Rakhi Sawant in anything... oh except when embalmed as a MUMMY (the Egyptian one not the one in the latest reality show)

19. Who according to you is the most over-rated style icon?

Tell me one style icon who isn't over-rated

20. What kind of haircut do you prefer?

Anything that leaves hair on my head

21. What are you going to do after this?

Lunch

22. What are your favourite movies?

Shawshank Redemption,  Scarface, Transformers (loved Megan Fox running alongside Bumblebee)

Pirates of the Carribean... actually anything with Johnny Depp.. even Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... Depp rules

23. What are three cosmetic/makeup/perfume products that you can't live without?

Deo...deo... and deo... unless you include soap, hand wash and toothpaste in the list

24. What inspires you ?

Breathing... when you breath in you inspire.. when you breath out... you EXPIRE.. so hold that breath

25. Give us three styling tips that always work for you:

Number your clothes.. and then use a Random number generator... great way to mix and match.. especially when you land up with 2 shirts and no pants using the random number generator

Or better still wear whatever you like... whatever you're comfortable in... TIPS are for waiters

26. What do you do when you “have nothing to wear” (even though your closet’s packed)?

"Nothing" suits just fine.. when you're home alone.. else there's always some mall you can raid for another thing to pack into that closet

27. Coffee or tea?

Tea... reminds me of famous words from the movie Working Girl..."Can I get ya anything? Coffee? Tea? Me?"

28. What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?

I blog... knock that feeling out with a couple of mindless paragraphs.. works everytime

29. What is the meaning of your name?

Shrikant... if he can't then who can!!!

30. Which other blogs do you love visiting?

umm.. thats a difficult question... oh.. i better mention the blog by "the person who tagged me"

31. Favorite Dessert/Sweet?

Gajar ka Halwa

32. Favorite Season ?

Rains... If I'm indoors with a cup of chai.. and some pakodas

33. If I come to your house now, what would u cook for me?

Your bheja if you insist on coming.. or if I'm in a good mood you might get some aloo ki sabzi that looks suspiciously like its come out from a batata wada

34. What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?

Just show them a couple of fingers..  they get the message...

35. what are you afraid of the most?.. Nah I don't like this question... I'll replace it with "Should I pass this quiz on to anyone?" and I answer it with a no... anyone wants to take it inspite of that.. be my guest

Speaking of Loneliness

Just read (I'm using this as a past participle and not as an imperative statement though you are free to MISSunderstand is to the best of your knowledge) a post (Story of a lonely heart... ) by a friend... Quite ludicrous it turned out to be... but thinking of lonely, this comes to my mind.. one of my favourite bands.. lets see you guessing without help from Google

Such a lonely day

And it's mine

The most loneliest day in my life

Such a lonely day

Should be banned

It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life

The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day

Shouldn't exist

It's a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day

And it's mine

The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go,

I wanna go with you

And if you die,

I wanna die with you

Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life

The most loneliest day of my life

The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day

And it's mine

It's a day that I am glad I survived.

Hmmm.. what say?? Kinda weird... but gets the point across!!!

But these days have been singing Mad About the Boy by Sir Noel Coward... but if you listen carefully.. you'll realise that I am humming just one note.. over and over again... Just decided to drop "about the boy"

Number Crunching... mmmm.. Yummy!!

For all those who loved my Story of One, heres another one about numbers.

Just as Einstein observed that time was not an absolute but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that space was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend on the observer's movement in restaurants.

The first non-absolute number is the number of people for whom the table is reserved. This will vary during the course of the first three telephone calls to the restaurant, and then bear no apparent relation to the number of people who actually turn up, or to the number of people who subsequently join them after the show/match/party/gig, or to the number of people who leave when they see who else has turned up.

The second non-absolute number is the given time of arrival, which is now known to be one of those most bizarre of mathematical concepts, a recipriversexcluson, a number whose existence can only be defined as being anything other than itself. In other words, the given time of arrival is the one moment of time at which it is impossible that any member of the party will arrive. Recipriversexclusons now play a vital part in many branches of maths, including statistics and accountancy and also form the basic equations used to engineer the Somebody Else's Problem field.

The third and most mysterious piece of non-absoluteness of all lies in the relationship between the number of items on the bill, the cost of each item, the number of people at the table, and what they are each prepared to pay for. (The number of people who have actually brought any money is only a sub-phenomenon in this field.)

The baffling discrepancies which used to occur at this point remained uninvestigated for centuries simply because no one took them seriously. They were at the time put down to such things as politeness, rudeness, meanness, flashness, tiredness, emotionality, or the lateness of the hour, and completely forgotten about on the following morning. They were never tested under laboratory conditions, of course, because they never occurred in laboratories — not in reputable laboratories at least.

And so it was only with the advent of pocket computers that the startling truth became finally apparent, and it was this:

Numbers written on restaurant bills within the confines of restaurants do not follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces of paper in any other parts of the Universe. In fact, this fact, factfully holds true for any factful numerical entity happening within the confines of a restaurant anywhere on the face (or any other bodily part you may want to designate) of the universe.

Note: Part or whole of this text may or may not have been adapted from one of the books from Douglas Adam's trilogy in four parts.. depends on whether you read it a space-time continuum extending before the third Newton-Raphson differential of the point of time when this trilogy was published or whether you read it afterwards.