Radio Shitty - Episode 1

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE. HENCE, IT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL READERS. DISCRETION IS THEREFORE ADVISED.

Radio Jockey (RJ): Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am the Hedonist and welcome to Pressing Issues on Radio Shitty, Mumbai's No.2 Shit Music Radio. Pressing Issues is no-holds-barred interview program in which we ask self-important people exactly what they think about things and then we argue with them for a bit... before leaving with views more extreme than when they came in. Only joking, ladies and gentlemen! This is a show founded on the ancient Greek principle of enlightened debate and the American principle of free speech. Or is that the ancient Greek principle of feeding wise men hemlock and the American principle of being annoying and loud so no one can get a word in? I forget. Only time will tell.

Today we have on Pressing Issues, sitting to my right here... in fact to everyone's right, Alex Shrub, the youngest state politician to ever be elected and now a respected man in the capital. Mr. Shrub got elected because he has great hair and says things that make you nod your head. His campaign appealed to the wealthy because he set all of us at ease by confirming, "It's okay to be rich, as long as you say you care about the children." Mr. Shrub, welcome!

Shrub: That's not entirely true, Hedonist. My campaign also appealed to the poor... who were too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I held up pretty pictures and then I gave out candy bars to appeal to their most base instincts. Thanks Hedonist. I'm glad to be given this opportunity to set the record straight.

RJ: I haven't given you any opportunity yet, my heartless friend. Let me ask you the questions first.

Shrub: I hope this isn't going to get personal. I love this city more than anyone, and I can prove it.

RJ: Yes, that's coming from the man who got elected by calling his opponent a "buffalo butt" and a fat, hen-pecked wimp that couldn't fight his way out of a wet, paper bag. Anyways, let’s start. So Mr. Shrub, crime is up in the city, government officials are squabbling amongst themselves perennially competing for who makes more money via the under-the-table route, public morale is at an all time low. Do you think the government is doing a good job?

Shrub: Absolutely! Those statistics are interesting, but like all statistics, they are also irrelevant. Let me give you a better statistic, Hedonist. In 2008, when I was elected, you were - according to the intelligence gathered on you - a man with no mission. You realising that you were a hollow man with no real personality, decided to become a blogger... and despite writing 20 blog posts in that year, you did not get even a single follower. An idiotic Crapper felt sorry for you and went about shamelessly publicising your blog and now you can boast of being author of 2 sparsely read blogs and being sleeping author on a third. You have a reputation for being a "good" designer of blog layouts and you are on top of the world. So answer me this... Can you really say the years of living under my administration have been bad for you?

RJ: Eh, eh. We are not talking about me. This is Pressing Issues, not Pressing Hedonist. You, Shrub! You yellow-bellied, tie-wearing, bribe-takin' hypocrite! What have you done for the city up there in the capital? You got elected on a campaign promising to reduce taxes to zero... But under your stewardship, we've seen taxes go up by 20% and services decline!

Shrub: No one is interested in your statistics, Hedonist. Let me tell you something pal, I'm better than that. I will not- I shall not, I cannot stoop to your level. They assured me that this was a show that understood politics, where we can debate mano-a-mano, and I find myself having statistics hurled at me like so much stale confetti. We cannot boil people down to numbers! You have no idea, my friend, what it takes to serve, the sacrifices I've made to help my country, to help the city. The complexity of government, the... the hideousness of my 6 bedroom apartment and... the way dust and litter and pending reforms grow in there like our national debt. Oh oh, sure... Some people like that, but not me! It's a nightmare, my friend, and I can scarcely get up in the morning.

RJ: Excellent, but back to the matter at hand: Public safety. How do we get crime under control in this city?

Shrub: We don't need crime control. What we need is to get scare-mongers and non-believers, men like you Hedonist, under control. I've got a good mind to get your funding removed.

RJ: We don't get any funding.

Shrub: Exactly. But... Good! Heh, you won't see a penny out of me! You've got to stop spreading these lies or I'll whip you myself and I'm not afraid. Trouble is caused by unemployment, and unemployment comes from poor, economic performance and lazy people. If you had job, would you steal a car? Of course not! ...And if you had a high-rise condo, a mistress, uh... and a seat on the board, would you run around graffitiing your name all over town and making a nuisance of yourself, spinning on your back, and poppin' and lockin' and... Not a hope. It's simple. If you don't have a job, starve. Get out of my constituency by force if necessary, and starve.

RJ: Oh it’s that simple is it? But what about the guy getting beaten up on the street? Or the man having his motorcycle stolen? What about him?

Shrub: ...Or her! Some of the best bikers are really women. The other day, I picked up a young woman biker in my convertible and we discussed a non-violent solution to war. We called it peace. This city needs hope not your silly songs and blogs or sending money and food to the poor. Songs and blogs will get you nowhere. This country needs something to aim for, like being rich and laughing at poor people... Or, being in government and laughing at the electorate.

RJ: Oh!! Is this why ever since you got elected, Vice City has been characterized by a government who cut aid to the poor, offered tax breaks to the rich, and paid people to dump toxic waste near schools.

Shrub: Yes, we've made a lot of progress! It ain't by magic or cookin' the books (we save that for "education"), but as in most things we in government are saving money so that you don't have to. When we spend less money on services, more goes to administration salaries and expenses which helps make lives a lot less difficult for everybody. It's about sharing; sharing your taxes out amongst the select few. That's why I worked so hard at school, so I can reap the rewards now.

RJ: Mmm... I thought you worked hard at school because the other kids laughed at you and called you a square.

Shrub: Tha-That's a damn lie! They called me wet fart.

RJ: So, with people being set such a bad example by big business and the politicians, how are they supposed to respect each other, to act safely in society, and how are they policed by a demoralized and under-funded police force.

Shrub: Well... I'm afraid that's apparently quite a difficult question, but my solution is easy. I'm going to talk for a long time about a subject not in anyway related and pretty soon people will forget about it. I'll remind people that I have a great haircut, and under my stewardship Vice City has had, on average, 15% better weather than before, while crime rates only go up if you don't turn the graph upside down. Turn it upside down, and they have halved- HALVED under me, Alex Shrub. Vote Shrub for president and you'll have a friendly face in the Parliament. A man you can trust. A local man who likes golf, and laughing, and photo opportunities at your store or place of business. Just send me a letter. I'll send you an automated, photocopied response. We call it "democracy" and that's where the money goes.

RJ: Uh, just a minute-

Shrub: Don't interrupt! Let me finish.

RJ: But you're not-

Shrub: This man won't let me speak! You, Shorty! Shut up and let me speak! I'm taller than him, ladies and gentlemen, by at least three inches, which means I'm a lot more respectable looking. Everyone knows politicians lie and steal and cheat, but at least with me in charge, you know I look good and I have a very supercilious manner. Besides which, I've been abroad and I prefer it here because I'm a man of the people. Vote Shrub! You'll get richer and you won't feel guilty about it!

RJ: Enough! We're running out of time and you completely failed to answer the question.

Shrub: I'm a professional. That's my job.

RJ: Very Well... Ladies and Gentlemen, you are listening to Pressing Issues with me, The Hedonist. Presiding over the least informed debate on the radio. In this episode, we had Alex Shrub talking about his contribution - as our elected representative - to public safety. This is the Hedonist - Signing off

Disclaimer: This piece of literary art is purely fictional and has been "inspired" from one of my favourite games GTA Vice City. You'll hear it if you take the trouble of listening carefully to the Radio in the car that you just jacked on the road. It bears not even a remote relation with the current state of affairs round the world... even it may seem highly realistic :P