Time for some recognition

The past few days have witnessed the arrival of an angel, showering our lives with immense happiness. This angel has brought with it riches of  untold proportions. One of us here has been blessed with these riches. Let me take this opportunity to Congratulate that very special friend of ours..... A BIG APPLAUSE FOR OUR VERY OWN NEHATRIX... for having become the aunt of a sweet little child... On this occassion I would like to award her with a very special award on becoming the Auntyji (as many have monickered her)

Congratulating her on this happy occassion

Oh.. we have a very special guest to give this Award.. our very own Bella Aunty :P

Bella Aunty:Here you go my dear little MORE-OR-LESS-NOT-SO-VERY-STRANGE Nehatrix... 

Tagging Neha for writing a Thank You speech thats atleast 1000 words in length!!!

Shitty Ideas

Refering to a comment on the previous post by a friend... "hahahaha, now I know where do you get the shitty ideas from..."

Instead of replying then and there, I thought it would be a better idea to post the reply here.

The world's most revolutionary ideas originated in the LOO

The Theory of General Relativity was proposed by Einstein while trying to shave and bathe at the same time using the same soap... the initial draft of the theory said that uses of soap are relative to the user, he may use it for anything that suits his purpose... later he generalised it over SPACE and TIME

Poor old Newton's LOO was a bit clogged so he was doing the do behind the apple tree when the apple decide to interrupt his output processes. You know what he exclaimed when the apple first hit him.. he said OUCH (now someone is going to take a shot at me for such a FALTU PJ but then even I would say OUCH.. hehe) before proposing the laws of gravitation. From then on the adage "whatever goes up... comes down... especially the fat one" holds true... kyunki Newton neeche baith ke usey bula raha hai :D

Most of us would be aware of the Eureka Eureka incident when Archimedes ran out of a public bath in his birthday suit after having discovered Buoyancy.

So I would like to say to the person who gave that comment... who knows.. someday you might win the Nobel Prize for Metaphysics for some shitty idea from the loo.. something like: "Hope floats..  but who cares.. shit floats too"

Computers for Dummies

For all those Techno-turds... hint hint I just introduced these guys exactly about 2 posts back. Here's an old-school analogy explaining different parts of the computer. Found this in a REALLY old newspaper (about 4 or 5 years old).

Damn helpful ain't it??

Nostalgia

Some memoirs from my years and years of education... Brings back fond memories!!!

Challenging Darwin

What came first - The chicken or the egg?? Nah I ain't gonna tell a PJ like "Whatever you ordered first!!" 

I'm thinking serious. Need to seriously reconsider all this evolution business.. shall I say Monkey Business!!

Been thinking about Darwin's theory of evolution. Here's my version...

There's the:

1. Monkey: Living in trees. Eating fruits and plant and animal lice. Totally incapable of doing intellectual tasks like blogging or PJ maroing. One scientist had argued that about a 100 of these banging their feet/hands.. or whatever part of the body they take fancy in.. could create a literary masterpiece of the magnitude of a Shakespeare. Who knows - may be true!!!

2. Ape-man: Nothing much to say bout this one. Just a monkey tryin to stand up straight.. occasionally.

3. Homo-Erectus: Slightly straighter version of the ape-man, having discovered better balance on 2 feet. Apne pairon par khada hona isiko kehte hain. 

4. Homo-Sapiens: The so-called thinking man. And then IBM says.. stop thinking start doing. So who do we follow Darwin or IBM??

5. Homo-Sapiens-Sapiens: An alleged anomaly in Darwins theory. Once man starts thinking about everything and everything else and everything other than everything and everything else.. what remains to be thought of?? Duh more thinking man... Poor Darwin.. needed a break badly.

To quote my dear friends and great philosopher pair Calvin & Hobbes

Calvin: Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak.

Hobbes: Probably so we can think twice!!!

So we could probably modify Homo-Sapiens-Sapiens as Twice thinking man.. but that wud be predicting the future or may be even science fiction... Really how many of us really do think twice.. before sending that extra irritating PJ to a poor soul begging for mercy... before that extra slice of cheese in the sandwich... before that extra dose of Shanepanti in return for pj sms's...

Let me just take a breath here.. and scratch my big toe.. damn it really itches when I'm thinking hard and fast.. now dont gimme that crap about "Dimaag being in Ghutna".. its a proven fact that its a superior state of evolution... Every part of the body being capable of taking over the part or full functioning of the brain so that the brain can think of more intensive and engaging activities like day dreaming.

Taking this evolution forward, the human race now has couple of more branches according to genetic and neural scans.

6. The Homo-Techno-Nerdus: Highly adept whizkid able to operate simple calculators to complex missile defense systems with equal ease. But as a certain well know physicist or mathematician or something...lets just say thinker.. no.. lets just not say thinker as that would put him into the Homo-Sapiens Phyllum.. and that would make Einstein really angry... I wouldn't wanna be differentiated with respect to my root and then divided my infinity before being partially integrated along with the hyperbolic cosine of my square and then operated upon by an unfriendly Laplace function. So coming back to what EInstein said about this phyllum of the human race: "they find it extremely confusing to use separate soaps for bathing and shaving"

There is a complementary (I hope I got the spelling right) phyllum to this.. the Techno-Turdus (9) which is exactly opposite of the techno-nerdus.. unable to distinguish between an derived class and an inherited class... now what is that supposed to mean.. nah forget it.. lets move on

7. Homo-Workus: Nothing special about this one.. the normal human being..

8. Homo-Idlus: The couch potato man... short and stout.. high affinity for fast food and aerated drinks.. and a highly well developed thumb for operating tv remotes.

I am thinking of putting a separate phyllum for legal professionals... as it is not very clear as to which race have these creatures evolved from... though it is highly rumoured to have descended from the Homo-Erectus (non-thinking but apne pairon par khadha) species

Ohh.. and one of my doctor friends has earnestly requested me to add another phyllum The Homo-non-Erectus... no comments on that one.

PS: This is to declare that I am not making fun of certain individuals who relate themselves to the alphabets SRK. This post also doesn't aim at ridiculing other subjects of constant ridicule either.... if you get what I mean :D

I dream of Genie

A long forgotten dusty lamp. Try to wipe of the dirt, it starts smoking. Out pops a Genie. Not that "I dream of Genie" types babe-genie but a tall dark grizzled erie genie. Oh damn, why should the type of genie matter. Chuck it. So, a genie pops out saying in a reverberating sound slightly more audible than a faint rasp of a sore throat, "For freeing me from the dark dank wretched depths of the dinky lamp, I grant to thee three wish"

Ok, ok.. I WANT WORLD PEACE!!!

Genie thinks for a moment, "World peace is it??"

Yes

Remove the I (Ego) and the WANT (Greed) and thou shalt have thy world peace

Huh.. whats gotten into the Hedonist, why is he talking so much sense (if that makes sense to you). Nah nothing has gotten into me.. its just that I've been cursed by a personality switching spell by our very own little Puttar Harrynder Singh Patialewaala

Why did he curse me is altogether another story. Just the other day I caught his beloved cousin Harry Potter (Singh or not so Singh is a big question) letting his hair down with his old pal Draco

Now about my other 2 wishes.

Genie: Arre bhai!! recession ka zamaana hai, ek se hi kaam chala lo. Poof!! Genie goes back to his dark dank wretched depths of the dinky lamp living happily ever after.

PS: This is for some certain FANS of mine...Nah I'm not conceited.. I'm just too GREAT... and its Hard to be Humble when you are as GREAT as me!! To put it in Sanskrit, "Eko Ahum Dvitiyo Nasti.. Na Bhootoh na bhavishyati" or something like that.. now go decipher that!!!

I would also like to thank one of these certain fans for writing an entire blogpost dedicated to my GREATNESS

Off the beaten track : Bhogwe Beach

Just read a blog post by a friend reminiscing about her life in a quaint little place called Umbergaon... and was struck by the wonderful picture of the beach there. Now I am wondering… people say you get the best views of the sea in Goa or Kerala.

Let’s just say I would like to present some of the most beautiful beaches that I have had the pleasure of visiting and mind you, none of them are anywhere in Goa or Kerala.

Starting off with a place called Bhogwe. Bhogwe beach, about 29 km from Kudal and 36 km from Vengurla, is located on the western shores of Sindhudurg District in Maharashtra. The beach offers wonderful view of Karli river’s estuary which mingles secretly with sea waters from behind Devbaug’s Famous Mobara Point.

Enough of this crap, I may go on and on but still not be able to do justice to the picture perfect beauty of this place.

Lets start off with a microscopic view :D

How bout some sunsets...

My gang!!! (I can make out Bhavin, Sweta and Jaideep)

Some shots.. plain picturesque to simply breathtaking!!!

Ohh… do be careful when you walk on the sand… you’ll find a number of tiny little crabs scuttling here and there, darting in and out of the sand

To be continued...

Hamaari Pyari Auntyji

This post is dedicated to a particular woman... one of my favourite auntyjis... goes by the name of Bellaji LLB

She is really fond of Sarabhai vs Sarabhai characters and in particular Maya and Dushyant, not to mention an overwhelming, overbearing obsession (oooh la la.. 3 O's in a row) for Rosesh ke Angaar (if you get what i mean)

So here are a few good ones courtesy Rosesh Sarabhai and his Momma dear (nah she aint writing any.. thats too middle class)

momaa ka purse jaise hospital ki pyaari si koi nurse

purse mein rakha tissue paper karta hai paseene ka ilaaj

aur lipstick ho jaise bhookhe honton ka anaaj

momaa ke purse ka hai makhmali sa sparsh

momaa ka purse

momaa ka purse

In the living room of Sarabhai's

Hogi Saahil Bhai ki sagaa

Agley mahiney

Priya Bhabhi phuli na samaai

Yeah Yeah Yeah

Tum bin jaise mai raaste ka andha bhikhari

thodi blessings daan me de do 

thodi mamta tumhari

momma ho momma ho...

ghanan ghanan ghanan ghanan

badalo se aaye pehla soorya kiran

datton ke liye danta manjan 

aur pet ke liye kaayam chooran

hawa mein hain khushi ki aroma

jeet gayi momma, jeet gayi momma

say hi to happiness n tata to trauma

jeet gayi momma, jeet gayi momma

humpty dumpty sat on the 'gadi'

gadi pe betha tabhi aa gayi dadi

dadi ne kaha aaja mere paas

kyuki gadi pe bethna is just so middle class.

And my favourite

Ek Common Man Ko Mili He Pari

Jese Chiku Ke saath Ho Strawberry

Aage Aage Mummy Aur Piche Piche Daddy

Jaise Ho Tom And Jerry

Oh by the way I have mentioned another one of these jewels in another post of mine.. won't tell you which one though!!!

So coming back to my favourite auntyji... she is a paranoid fan of really poor jokes...Oh i just remembered a really good one that she always told

Other than being fruits, what is common between an Apple and an Orange?

Think think...

They are both not banana!!!

Hee hee hee hee

Just tryin to irritate somebody... Will be back in full gas and glory soon!!!

SMS Conversations

Love Aaj Kal

My SMS: (on a friend’s birthday... this person was out of town.. and had given me a new cell no.)

Hey wishing you a very happy birthday...

Reply:

Thank you SO MUCH… and I love you too

My reply (am a bit stumped):

Hey are you alright?? Too much cheese is it?? (This person gets tipsy if he/she/it has too much cheese)

I meet this friend online and ask, “What’s wrong with you.. why so cranky a reply??”

Friend replied, “Nah I didn’t get any message from ya… oops I think I gave you the wrong number.. ha ha ha!!!”

Few days later the person who I had messaged to by mistake replies again:

Hey how are you… Happy New Year… long time no sms…

liebe dich

Jose A. N. (name withheld on request or may be not… can’t be so sure)

At this point of time I would like to thank this friend of mine who I wanted to innocently wish Happy Birthday… for giving (that’s 2 words not one) such an awful return gift for my wishes… Hey I’m straight!!!

N.B.: Please translate liebe dich into English to find out why am I so hyper bout this!!!

PJ’licious

Early morning… “Tweet tweet… tweet tweet… SMS” rings my phone (actual ringtone withheld on request)

SMS reads: (won’t bother translating in English… its time you learnt some Hindi)

Utho saalo kamino aur desh ka kuch bhalaa karo…

.

.

Achaa toh aap hain… sorry sorry… aap to waapas so hi jao isi mein desh ki bhalaai hai

Good Morning

My Reply:

Yawn… Good morning… BUTTTT desh ki bhalaii ke liye Good Night… zzzzzz

Reply:

U R Rite. Desh ki bhalai k liye good night is required. Kitne machhar ho gaye hain aaj kal… ;)

My Reply: (old habit - have to be “one-up” on any conversation)

Right you are.. Ek machhar aadmi ko “DASH” (hint hint) banaa deta hai

Good Night lagao.. machhar bhagao.. Desh ko bachaao!!!

Don’t hang yourself yet… here’s another one:

Its 1975… Spiderman, Superman and Batman decide to take a break from crime fighting and go on a world tour. Superman kindly allows the other 2 to hitch a ride with him (or may be u can say on him… but that sounds so… so.. you know what I mean)

While passing over India.. suddenly all of them fall down.. DEAD… WHY??

Cuz in 1975, Gabbar Singh said, “Aadmi teen aur goli chhe... bahut na-insaafi hai”

Dichkyaon… Dichkyaon… Dichkyaon (fired 3 shots in the air)

Teeno marr gaye... ha ha ha ha ha ha

P.S. Ab toh teen se jyaada mare honge definitely!!!