Universal Crisis

November 19, Heaven - In an unprecedented move yesterday, God has formally announced that production facilities on the Sun, the star allegedly at the centre of the our Solar System, will now be cutting production of solar energy by 17%. While it is evident that this will lead to the dimming of the Sun, the fact whether the production cut will be effected by worker layoff or through other means still remains in the dark (pun intended.. i think that was a pun)

Partly reliable sources confirmed that there are various reasons behind this decision to cut production. The employee turnover at the production facility remains high due to the fact that there is a high probability of vapourising of the workforce dur to high temperatures. However, this vapourisation reduces the fuel consumption at the production facilities and also minimises burden on the Healthcare plans and retirement accounts of the Sun Solar Energy Inc. (the subsidiary running the solar production facility on the Sun). Further rising fuel costs and waning resources have plagued the production facility for the past 100 million years due to the doubling of capacity to supply energy to planets beyond Big Jove. There have been scattered instances of Energy theft that have further decreased revenues of Sun Solar Energy Inc.

Meanwhile in another news it was claimed by an unreliable source that God has been running the Universe in a loss for the past 10 billion years. "The problem", the source said, "is that the price of galaxies kept going up and up. God kept building more and more galaxies on the assumption that the price would go higher. It is estimated that there are currently 200 billion galaxies with a further 300 billion in WIP. Financial analysts state that the Universe's real estate market will collapse in the next 500 years unless someone buys it out.

It is claimed that God has defualted on a $31415926535897932384626433 bn and may be forced to file for section 11 bankruptcy protection if the sorry state of universal affairs continues for another couple of decades or so.

God himself was unavailable for comment.

Meanwhile, the outgoing Bush Administration has claimed credit for erasing the effects of global warming, saying it's fiscal policies had a direct relation to both the cooling economy and star.

Disclaimer: This article is the result of a great deal of research (read aimless googling and CTRL C – CTRL V) and is written in good jest with no intent of ridiculing the mentioned parties.

Lets get Poli-Tickle

Washington DC – The Congress today announced that the office of the President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India wef March 1, 2009. The move is being made in response to tremendous amounts of pressure from the business lobby opposing President-elect, Barrack Obama’s anti-outsourcing views and plan of action. Further this decision also aims at saving the President’s $700,000 yearly salary, and also a record $672 billion in expenditures that the presidential office has incurred in the past 4 years. It is anticipated $300 billion can be saved by the end of the next 4-year “outsourced” presidential term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated an unnamed Congressman. "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," the Congressman noted.
Mr. Obama was informed by e-mail about this decision asking him to prepare a knowledge transition (KT) plan (as it is known in the outsourcing circles) to train the incoming outsourced (what an oxymoron!!) president about the various duties to be performed. Mr. Obama has also been asked to stay on board in an advisory capacity.
It is also planned to use the knowledge banks at Iron Mountain Inc (NYSE: IRM), which contain the brain maps of previous 6 presidents, to create a script tree which will enable the Outsourced Prez to respond effectively to most topics of concern without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson." The earlier President has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."
On being asked about the possible vendors that the Congress would be looking at for this project, the spokesperson remarked, “We are not very clear on the attributes that we would be requiring of the person who would be responsible for dispensing the presidential duties. So we are planning to invite a few Indian companies to do a Requirements Gathering exercise and propose a suitable model. Currently we may be satisfied with a 8x5 model for service but in the coming years we would definitely want to expand the scope of services to a 24x7 model.”
Mr. Obama remained tight-lipped when asked about his future plans, but it is dead clear that like the earlier president, he too will have problems securing a new job due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

Disclaimer: This article is the result of a great deal of research (read aimless googling and CTRL C – CTRL V) and is written in good jest with no intent of ridiculing the mentioned parties.