Bailout Santa??

Another shocking news in the wake of the GM, Chrysler and Ford turning to the Congress in search of a 34 billion-dollar bailout found Santa Claus asking for two billion dollars to keep North Pole Enterprises, LLC, the Santa Claus holding company alive. Earlier in the week, its stock price plummeted from $80 to .25 cents per share. Given the tight credit market, it has become increasingly difficult for the company to get loans in order to finance payroll.

A clearly troubled Santa Claus who testified before the Congress indicated that Christmas might have to be canceled if North Pole Enterprises, LLC, did not immediately receive two billion dollars from Congress by December 20th.

The chairman of the Senate Banking Committee on the condition of anonymity expressed, "My first emotion is shock. Initially, I thought you were a myth. But my emotion now quickly changes to disgust. When I was five, I wrote to you for a pony. I even left out some cocoa. And what did I get? A freakin' Mechanix set." Indeed bi-partisan childhood letdowns may stall any bailout package. "I don't know that I can trust 2 billion dollars to a person who couldn't even deliver on a simple request, a Lionel HO gauge train set, I made when I was eight," said another Republican Senator.

Santa did not blanch from any criticism. "I know I've let many children down. When you've been doing this for 600 odd years, it's going to happen. And I will admit that I had a substance abuse problem for many of those years. I was drinking 100-200 cups of cocoa a day and then lapsing into a sugar coma. I've got that under control now. What I can't control is the economy."

Another Senator pointedly asked, "Mr. Claus, I've read over your proposed bailout plan many times. And frankly I have to ask are you back on cocoa?" Claus in an equally pointed reply said, "I could just say, ‘Do you want a lump of coal this year’, but that's too valuable an energy source to give away. What I will say is that I didn't come here on a Gulfstream jet. I came here in a sleigh pulled by six reindeer. "

Santa then went on to say that if he did not receive 2 billion dollars from the Congress by December 20th, he would have to cancel Christmas. And even if the funding were okayed by the Congress, Christmas would still have to be "curtailed" with several children receiving substandard toys costing well below the median demand of $4983 per child. Claus also said that 30,000 elves would still have to be laid off "as more computer based gifts are outsourced to elves in Sri Lanka."

"If North Pole Enterprises fails, its elves would no longer get paid. I would no longer be able to pay myself my annual salary of $30 million. If the elves don't get paid, then they can't order pizzas, buy beer, and subscribe to internet porn sites. If they can't do that, then pizza shops and liquor stores lose revenue, and will have to layoff their employees. If the elves can't subscribe to internet porn sites, then there will be less porn stars and porn stars get less money, which, in turn, would mean less money for them to, say, buy drugs from CIA-connected dealers, which, in turn, would mean politicians get less in kickbacks and bribes. Thus it is in the best political interests of Congress to act now, by giving North Pole Enterprises a 2 billion-dollar bailout," Santa told Congress members.

Disclaimer: This article is the result of a great deal of research (read aimless googling and CTRL C – CTRL V) and is written in good jest with no intent of ridiculing the mentioned parties.