WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN EXPLICIT LANGUAGE. HENCE, IT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL READERS. DISCRETION IS THEREFORE PROBABLY ADVISED.
Radio Jockey (RJ): Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am the Hedonist and welcome to Pressing Issues on Radio Shitty, Mumbai's No.2 Shit Music Radio. Pressing Issues is no-holds-barred interview program in which we ask self-important people exactly what they think about things and then we argue with them for a bit... before leaving with views more extreme than when they came in. Only joking, ladies and gentlemen! This is a show founded on the ancient Greek principle of enlightened debate and the American principle of free speech. Or is that the ancient Greek principle of feeding wise men hemlock and the American principle of being annoying and loud so no one can get a word in? I forget. Only time will tell.
Now, the subject that we are discussing right now on Pressing Issues is Public Safety. In case you haven't noticed, Mumbai City is not a very safe place. These are troubled times. We are troubled people. Some would say we are a people at war with ourselves. Other say we are at war with reality. Another opinion is that it is the fault of society. That, as Plato said, "People don't mean to kill each other." It happens because they are poor or desperate or really thirsty or in need of a vacation or something like that. Another view is that we are all a little confused and really should stay at home, locked in doors and forget about everything as quickly as possible. So, let's press the issue, eh?!
Today on Pressing Issues, we have Mr. XYZ, the latest addition to the state assembly. He got elected because he has great hair and says things that make you nod your head. His campaign appealed to the wealthy because he set all of us at ease by confirming, "It's okay to be rich, as long as you say you care about the children." Mr. XYZ, welcome!!
XYZ: That's not entirely true, Hedonist. My campaign also appealed to the poor... who were too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I held up pretty pictures and then I gave out candy bars to appeal to their most base instincts. Thanks Maurice. I'm glad to be given this opportunity to set the record straight.
Hedonist: I haven't given you any opportunity yet, my heartless friend. Let me first ask you.. Are you doing a good job after being elected. Why is this city going to the dogs if you're hard at work... or should I rephrase it as "Hardly at work"
XYZ: Yesss. I and my colleagues are doing their level best to mis-manage ooops manage this city. Let me tell you what is wrong with this city. Those guys up north just want to open the floodgates, let anyone in, and make you, the ordinary hard-working men and women pay for the pleasure. Well, you have my permission to beat them with sticks. We won't prosecute. You'd be doing us all a favor!
Hedonist: Aww.. stop complaining bout others, xyz. Tell me... Public confidence is at an all-time low. Just the other day I saw a man running amuck wearing a kachcha carrying a Danda.. saying he needed to defend himself and his language... Kachcha dikhao.. Desh ko Bachao!!
XYZ: Well, it's quite simple mister. Immigration is to blame. People are flooding into our city from all over the country. Trash! It's quite simple. They're bringing their high-polluting, upity, out-of-state ways and corrupting the place. Ruin it! That's why I and my organization propose we take Mumbai out of the union and start anew as our own country and ban people from all those fancy places up North from setting foot on our soil.
Hedonist: WHAT?? Have you been snorting some weird kind of drug that making you go hairy in the brain?? Haven't you read the Constitution??
XYZ: Yeah, I sure have. It talks about freedom. Freedom for Mumbai.. from the stench of all those stinky people moving here to work... retire.. or STRUGGLE in movies... Build your own BOLLYWOOD in your own damn state. I mean, I don't go up north to plead for a role for my son. So why should they come here?
Hedonist: XYZ,your views are a little extreme. Plus, I don't believe there is anything like Bollywood up north.. its just Ravi Kisan and his "Tum Hamaar Bhau BHAU"
XYZ: Whatever... They should stop commin' down my way and building HAMAAR LAND. Damn Northerners.. they ain't got no class. My views ain't extreme, mister, they're common sense, and what a lot of people would say if they had the guts. If you let people immigrate here from all over the so-called "UNION" where do we SONS of SOIL go...There's no more room!
Hedonist: You know, you're bordering on racism. What you are saying is a very naughty thing, and only because here on Pressing Issues do we believe so whole-heartedly in "free speech" are we allowing it.
XYZ: It's the truth, my friend, the damn truth, and before you start I am not a racist. I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues, but I especially hate Northerners. Don't come here. Build your own Bollywood, build your own overflowing Virar local, build your own mosquito-infested, ever narrowing Meethi river. I care a damn... Speaking of river... I propose to build a new river... A river of freedom. A river of hope. A river which runs from coast to coast that cuts us off from the other states of wastrels and bad influences to the north. We are going to cut Mumbai off from the mainland of our oppressors and float out into the Arabian Sea singing... Kasakai Bara hai.. I am Mumbhai.. BYE BYE.. BYE BYE!!!
Hedonist: Yes, but what about the little guy? What about the guy who is standing there saying, "I like being part of India. I like it a lot! I get public radio! I can hear the Hedonist. I own a small, one bedroom home... A business selling flowers to people stuck in traffic... Three or four radios, all turned on to Radio Shitty. A dog... 15 ice cubes... But I don't feel safe.
XYZ: Alright! These problems are typical of what happens with an open border to the north. The state is filling up with trash. That's why we need a river. People, I'm telling you pick up your spades, go into your garden. Start diggin' as deep and as far as you can. Pretty soon, the whole state will be flooded in ruin, and then, they'll have to leave. Then, the nation of Mumbai will be free to start over. There're be no long-ass lines for trains, buses, or whatever. Mumbaikars would be free to stand in those lines for as long as they please!! In fact we'll have a queue for every family in Mumbai!!!
Hedonist: And with that far fetched wishfully thought thought, we come to the end of another episode of pressing issues. Ladies and Gentlemen you are listening to The Hedonist on Radio Shitty... Mumbai's No.2 Shit Music Radio. ITS ROTTT!!! Until next time... Its the Hedonist signing off.
Disclaimer: This piece of literary art is purely fictional and has been "inspired" from one of my favourite games GTA Vice City. You'll hear it if you take the trouble of listening carefully to the Radio in the car that you just jacked on the road. It bears not even a remote relation with the current state of affairs round the world... even it may seem highly realistic :P
This post has also been published in the August Volume of N-Zine: No Nonsense N-tertainment
