The regular early morning yell of horror was the sound of DM waking up and suddenly remembering where he was.
It wasn't just that this shabby little house was cold, it wasn't just that it was damp and smelly. It was the fact that he had hardly seen anyone in years. Which was a relief in certain ways, as he hadn't been insulted at all in years.
He stepped out of the cottage and then it happened...
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| Image courtesy Flickr |
He could see 2 headlights of some kind of a vehicle approaching. It was an ancient Ford F-350 straight out of Midtown Madness or was it Madtown Midness... too much effort to remember that. It came to a halt right next to him while he stood there in his usual crisis management pose - standing motionless with mouth wide open and eyes popping out letting it (the crisis or anything else that it may turn out to be) wash over him.
Out she stepped, a tall figure silhouted in the early morning sun, and walked towards him.
"You're a jerk, DM," she said in a cold voice that hit him with the full force of every inch of the 200 or so kilometers that lay between Mumbai and Pune.
"W...W...w...w." That was all DM could utter
She frowned briefly and reapeated, "DM, you're a jerk... A complete Asshole" and walked away to her Ford and was off in a flash, while DM was still in his crisis management pose with a tiny little "musca domestica" contemplating whether to explore that vast oesophagal tract belonging to DM.
This morning was sweet and fragrant as he emerged from the ramshackle cottage which he called home until he could think of a better name for it or find a better ramshackle cottage. The breeze flitted lightly around him, the birds were chirping at each other and the whole of nature was conspiring to be as pleasant as it could. But all these pastoral delights still couldn't console DM after that scathing insult.
"I feel like crying... I will go mad like this!!!" shouted DM.
"Good idea!" came a wheezy voice somewhere behind him.
DM's mind somersaulted thrice then flipped over itself for a fourth time. His jaws did a couple of push-ups. "W..w..w... hu... ru... Who's that?" Wheeling around he saw a ugly green couch sitting right in the middle of the slimy lawn of the ramshackle cottage which he temporarily called home until he could think of a better name for it...
He ran towards the couch. It had been a really long while since he had sat down on something softer than a rock. The couch bobbed away from DM. DM felt terrible pleased with himself. Only 2 minutes ago he had claimed he'd go mad and now he was chasing an ugly green couch across his lawn as it meandered in the lawn as if it was following its own complex mathematical or metaphysical topography, which it was. But it wasn't fast enough. DM was gaining on it. And soon it was within reach. DM leapt on it but it disappeared and he fell into nothingness. Falling down and down and down and down... and a little bit more downwards.
And then he stopped falling. There wasn't a sickening crash or a deafening splash that truncated his fall but a confusing phrrrrrrrrrrr as if it was a hippopotamus belching away to glory after having eaten to his heart's and fart's content.
And uske baad.... LAMBIII KHAMOSHI... for a moment nothing happened and for a minute or two after that nothing continued to happen. And there it lay...
A long forgotten dusty lamp. Right out of Sinbad the sailor or was that Aladin.. anyways nursery rhymes and historical crimes were not DM's forte. He simply walked over to the long forgotten dusty lamp trying to remember whether he had forgotten about it or whether someone had forgotten to tell him that they'd forgotten all about their precious old long forgotten lamp. DM tried to wipe off the dirt off the lamp and it started smoking.
Out popped a genie.
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| Image courtesy google |
Not that "I dream of Jeannie" type babe-genie but a tall dark grizzled erie genie that seems to inhabit this type of ugly long forgotten dusty lamps. It said in a reverberating sound slightly more audible than a faint rasp of a sore throat,
"From the dark dank depths of the dinky lamp,
you have set me free.
And to thank thee,
I grant wishes three!!"
you have set me free.
And to thank thee,
I grant wishes three!!"
Feeling benevolent, DM said "I WANT WORLD PEACE!!!"
Genie thinks for a moment, "World peace is it??"
"Yes"
"Remove the I (Ego) and the WANT (Greed) and thou shalt have thy world peace. "
DM thinks, "Damn this stupid philosophical genie.. he wasted my one wish" and exclaims aloud, "now my second wish.."
Genie: Arre bhai!! recession ka zamaana hai, ek se hi kaam chala lo. Poof!! Genie goes back to his dark dank wretched depths of the dinky lamp living happily ever after.
And then there was that regular early morning yell of horror - the sound of DM waking up and suddenly remembering where he was. The TV set blaring on some news channel. And DM entangled in his bed-sheets with a copy of Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy - a trilogy in four parts.
Reposting this post which had earlier been published on N-Zine, the No Nonsense eNtertainmen magaZINE
And for those who are still having trouble guessing where is this picked up from... this one's been adapted from Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy - a trilogy in four parts.
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