The Story of One

As the good old PBS (may be part of BBC now, I am not too sure) documentary by the same name, as the title of this post, says – “A precise answer is impossible, but a notched bone (called the Ishango bone) found in the Congo proves that ONE has been around for at least 20,000 years.”
See, greatness called Yours Truly (the original Great One) is a legend even eons before setting foot on Earth.

Talking of stories, here’s a sho(r)t conversation between Many ‘One’s -

This ONE: This ONE is unhappy because of That ONE and That One isn’t even concerned about This ONE.
Yours Truly (Modesty demands reduced usage of the epithet Great ONE): Which ONE are you talking about?
This ONE: Some ONE … That ONE
Yours Truly: Any ONE I know??
This ONE: Don’t you know... That ONE!!!
Yours Truly: Huh!!!
This ONE: No ONE... forget it!!!

SomeONE help me… hello anyONE there?? Where is everyone??
I guess No ONE around other that the Great ONE.

Bailout Santa??

Another shocking news in the wake of the GM, Chrysler and Ford turning to the Congress in search of a 34 billion-dollar bailout found Santa Claus asking for two billion dollars to keep North Pole Enterprises, LLC, the Santa Claus holding company alive. Earlier in the week, its stock price plummeted from $80 to .25 cents per share. Given the tight credit market, it has become increasingly difficult for the company to get loans in order to finance payroll.

A clearly troubled Santa Claus who testified before the Congress indicated that Christmas might have to be canceled if North Pole Enterprises, LLC, did not immediately receive two billion dollars from Congress by December 20th.

The chairman of the Senate Banking Committee on the condition of anonymity expressed, "My first emotion is shock. Initially, I thought you were a myth. But my emotion now quickly changes to disgust. When I was five, I wrote to you for a pony. I even left out some cocoa. And what did I get? A freakin' Mechanix set." Indeed bi-partisan childhood letdowns may stall any bailout package. "I don't know that I can trust 2 billion dollars to a person who couldn't even deliver on a simple request, a Lionel HO gauge train set, I made when I was eight," said another Republican Senator.

Santa did not blanch from any criticism. "I know I've let many children down. When you've been doing this for 600 odd years, it's going to happen. And I will admit that I had a substance abuse problem for many of those years. I was drinking 100-200 cups of cocoa a day and then lapsing into a sugar coma. I've got that under control now. What I can't control is the economy."

Another Senator pointedly asked, "Mr. Claus, I've read over your proposed bailout plan many times. And frankly I have to ask are you back on cocoa?" Claus in an equally pointed reply said, "I could just say, ‘Do you want a lump of coal this year’, but that's too valuable an energy source to give away. What I will say is that I didn't come here on a Gulfstream jet. I came here in a sleigh pulled by six reindeer. "

Santa then went on to say that if he did not receive 2 billion dollars from the Congress by December 20th, he would have to cancel Christmas. And even if the funding were okayed by the Congress, Christmas would still have to be "curtailed" with several children receiving substandard toys costing well below the median demand of $4983 per child. Claus also said that 30,000 elves would still have to be laid off "as more computer based gifts are outsourced to elves in Sri Lanka."

"If North Pole Enterprises fails, its elves would no longer get paid. I would no longer be able to pay myself my annual salary of $30 million. If the elves don't get paid, then they can't order pizzas, buy beer, and subscribe to internet porn sites. If they can't do that, then pizza shops and liquor stores lose revenue, and will have to layoff their employees. If the elves can't subscribe to internet porn sites, then there will be less porn stars and porn stars get less money, which, in turn, would mean less money for them to, say, buy drugs from CIA-connected dealers, which, in turn, would mean politicians get less in kickbacks and bribes. Thus it is in the best political interests of Congress to act now, by giving North Pole Enterprises a 2 billion-dollar bailout," Santa told Congress members.

Disclaimer: This article is the result of a great deal of research (read aimless googling and CTRL C – CTRL V) and is written in good jest with no intent of ridiculing the mentioned parties.

Universal Crisis

November 19, Heaven - In an unprecedented move yesterday, God has formally announced that production facilities on the Sun, the star allegedly at the centre of the our Solar System, will now be cutting production of solar energy by 17%. While it is evident that this will lead to the dimming of the Sun, the fact whether the production cut will be effected by worker layoff or through other means still remains in the dark (pun intended.. i think that was a pun)

Partly reliable sources confirmed that there are various reasons behind this decision to cut production. The employee turnover at the production facility remains high due to the fact that there is a high probability of vapourising of the workforce dur to high temperatures. However, this vapourisation reduces the fuel consumption at the production facilities and also minimises burden on the Healthcare plans and retirement accounts of the Sun Solar Energy Inc. (the subsidiary running the solar production facility on the Sun). Further rising fuel costs and waning resources have plagued the production facility for the past 100 million years due to the doubling of capacity to supply energy to planets beyond Big Jove. There have been scattered instances of Energy theft that have further decreased revenues of Sun Solar Energy Inc.

Meanwhile in another news it was claimed by an unreliable source that God has been running the Universe in a loss for the past 10 billion years. "The problem", the source said, "is that the price of galaxies kept going up and up. God kept building more and more galaxies on the assumption that the price would go higher. It is estimated that there are currently 200 billion galaxies with a further 300 billion in WIP. Financial analysts state that the Universe's real estate market will collapse in the next 500 years unless someone buys it out.

It is claimed that God has defualted on a $31415926535897932384626433 bn and may be forced to file for section 11 bankruptcy protection if the sorry state of universal affairs continues for another couple of decades or so.

God himself was unavailable for comment.

Meanwhile, the outgoing Bush Administration has claimed credit for erasing the effects of global warming, saying it's fiscal policies had a direct relation to both the cooling economy and star.

Disclaimer: This article is the result of a great deal of research (read aimless googling and CTRL C – CTRL V) and is written in good jest with no intent of ridiculing the mentioned parties.

Lets get Poli-Tickle

Washington DC – The Congress today announced that the office of the President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India wef March 1, 2009. The move is being made in response to tremendous amounts of pressure from the business lobby opposing President-elect, Barrack Obama’s anti-outsourcing views and plan of action. Further this decision also aims at saving the President’s $700,000 yearly salary, and also a record $672 billion in expenditures that the presidential office has incurred in the past 4 years. It is anticipated $300 billion can be saved by the end of the next 4-year “outsourced” presidential term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated an unnamed Congressman. "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," the Congressman noted.
Mr. Obama was informed by e-mail about this decision asking him to prepare a knowledge transition (KT) plan (as it is known in the outsourcing circles) to train the incoming outsourced (what an oxymoron!!) president about the various duties to be performed. Mr. Obama has also been asked to stay on board in an advisory capacity.
It is also planned to use the knowledge banks at Iron Mountain Inc (NYSE: IRM), which contain the brain maps of previous 6 presidents, to create a script tree which will enable the Outsourced Prez to respond effectively to most topics of concern without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson." The earlier President has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."
On being asked about the possible vendors that the Congress would be looking at for this project, the spokesperson remarked, “We are not very clear on the attributes that we would be requiring of the person who would be responsible for dispensing the presidential duties. So we are planning to invite a few Indian companies to do a Requirements Gathering exercise and propose a suitable model. Currently we may be satisfied with a 8x5 model for service but in the coming years we would definitely want to expand the scope of services to a 24x7 model.”
Mr. Obama remained tight-lipped when asked about his future plans, but it is dead clear that like the earlier president, he too will have problems securing a new job due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime.

Disclaimer: This article is the result of a great deal of research (read aimless googling and CTRL C – CTRL V) and is written in good jest with no intent of ridiculing the mentioned parties.

Dis-Ease

CCD - not Cathode Coupled Device.. thats in digicams... not Cafe Coffee Day.. thats where you're supposed to get coffee... This CCDis Compulsive Capitalization Disorder a latest anomaly found in the working population of the world

Symptoms:
Pain in the smallest finger, aka pinky... not "Pinky aunty" due to constant impact against the left shift key. This anomaly is also observed in the right Pinky of certain Human ANOMALIES.
Any literature typed by such affected individuals is characterized by regular or Irregular (however you may want to view it) appearance of capitalized alphabets.

Self Diagnosis:
Type this paragraph a couple of times on your PC. If it looks exactly like this then you might be normal or you might have some "visual defects".. anyways those ailments are not subject of this paper.. might deal with them some other time.

Scenario 2
Type This Paragraph A Couple Of Times On Your Pc. If It Looks Like This Then You Are In The Initial Stages Of This Disorder. Take some time out, go out with your friends, meet them in person rather than on IM and behold you are normal again.

Scenario 3
TyPe ThIs PaRaGrApH A CoUpLe Of TiMeS On YoUr Pc. If It LoOkS LiKe ThIs ThEn YoU ArE ReAcHiNg ThE PeAk Of AfFlIcTiOn. YoU HaVe LoSt CoNtRoL OvEr YoUr BeLoVeD PiNkY. Tie that pinky someplace safe and you should be good to go.

Scenario 4
TYPE THIS PARAGRAPH A COUPLE OF TIMES ON YOUR PC. IF IT LOOKS LIKE THIS THEN YOU HAVE REACHED THE FINAL STAGE OF THIS DISEASE. YOUR PINKY IS IN LOCKDOWN. GIVE UP ALL MOH-MAYA AND TAKE SANYAAS.

Scenario 5
T y p e t h I s p a r a g r a p h a c o u p l e o f t I m e s o n y o u r p c . I f I t l o o k s l I k e t h I s t h e n y o u r C C D h a s s p r e a d a n d I n f e c t e d y o u r r I g h t t h u m b a s w e l l . Refer to scenario 3 for more details.

Scenario 6
Sadgfasgdfaefvscrafsdgsacdfsadsdchgsdchsgbd. Hey you are sleeping on the left side of your keyboard. Stop reading these blogs in the middle of the night. They are for your reference during work hours only.

BTW How's Pinky Aunty?? ;)

I.T. Man's love song

Look what you're doing to me

I'm utterly at your whim

All of my defenses down

Your camera looks through me

With its X-ray vision

And all systems run aground

All I can manage to push from my lips

Is a stream of absurdities

Every word I intended to speak

Wind up locked in the circuitry

No way to control it

It's totally automatic

Whenever you're around

I'm walking blindfolded

Completely automatic

All of my systems are down

Down down down

Automatic

Automatic

What is this madness

That makes my motor run

And my legs too weak to stand

I go from sadness

To exhilaration

Like a robot at your command

My hands perspire and shake like a leaf

Up and down goes my temperature

I summon doctors to get some relief

But they tell me there is no cure

They tell me

No way to control it

It's totally automatic

Whenever you're around

I'm walking blindfolded

Completely automatic

All of my systems are down

Down down down

Automatic

Automatic

N.B. This song belongs to "The Pointer Sisters"

Revolutionary Politics

Ever wondered what we could do to prevent the country's politics from going to the dogs. Roshesh Sarabhai from Sarabhai vs Sarabhai briefly touches upon a groundbreaking, revolutionary, fantastic etc. etc. solution.

lagul lagul lagul lagul
laal laal lagul lagul JELLY
jelly ke cabre dancer jaise shareer mein chhupi hai
anjaani ankahee paheli
jelly hai moma ka mann
narm mulayam meetha
pasand hai ise har koi
sangeeta rita mita aneeta
jelly giri zameen par
to awaaz aayi PLUP PLUP!
baccha usme haath maare
to sunai deti hai THUP THUP!
jelly par kabhi fungus na lage
uska swaad kabhi bhankas na lage
agar bachani hai hume hamari country...

TOH JELLY KO BANANA HOGA HAMARA PRADHAN MANTRI!!

Any takers for that???