Wishing You A Merry Christmas

Reposting last year's Christmas special post!!
Jingle Balle.. Jingle Balle... Oh Balle Balle



Merry Christmas to everyone!!!

WWW.WEIRD.PPL

Jahanpanah yeh dono aapki shaan ke khilaaf bol rahe hain.
Gustaakh.. inn dono ko deewar mein chunva do
Jahanpanaah aapki majority agar kheech lihi jaye
toh fir aapko Jahan se panaah kaun dega

Discussion found on a popular chat channel. When the author jumps in with some Naan-Sense of his own, one of the dainty things there exclaims: Why am I wasting time with these nonsense people. I did not expect such nonsense from you, Hedonist?

I would like to confer the Naan-Sense award to this dainty little thing for being an excellent gourment of all things Naan-Sense!!

Well before I move ahead with more Naan-Sense.. Let me just scratch my big toe on my right foot cuz it itches.. Moja hi moja!!

What would you say if your painstakingly "researched" and really well written blog was critiqued as:
"I dont like those black flowers in the background.. they hamper my eyesight... when you write in blue bold italics with comic sans serif, it really brings out the things that you write about"

Duh, I'll go back to scratching my big toe than get these kind of reviews man.

Ohh!! And certain pseudo-intellectual neo-political thinkers fail to faintly remember infamous wisecrack like "Bade bade shehron mein aisee choti choti baatein hoti rehti hain" and then also absolutely forget superhit songs in their own language.

And then there are people who claim... I only comment on blogs when and where I can add value to the content of the blog.. and then they comment "OMG.. Arre baap re..Is it Dhanno or Basanti??"

Value added services with added Nuisance Value!!

Thats what they call www.weird.ppl

A Romantic Holiday

A certain female contestant in  a certain gameshow wanted to go to Venice with her dream-man (whatever that's supposed to mean... Reminds me of the old advertisement "Dreaming bout me" but that kinda person in his starkers wud not be fit to take out of the house let alone to Venice)

Upon being asked Why Venice.. she said that there is a lot of water there and any place that has a lot of water is supposed to be really romantic. Urrggh!!

So how bout sending this blessed lady on a 4 night and 5 day trip to any water treatment plant around the country for the ultimate romantic experience.

 



Speaking of waste.. here's the ultimate waste disposal tool for the ultimate HP fan!!!

PS: The pot rumoured to be straight out of the good author's loo.. apparently her thinking pot where she's rumoured to have thought about the sequel to the 7 book series.

What do I do?

Yeah!! thats right... What do I do??

Sufferring from Writers' Block all of a sudden!!!

So how bout being "POWERED BY CTRL C - DRIVEN BY CTRL V"
(No hard feelings to certain elite class wordpress users with professional advice to throw around)

Hmm.. So here goes!!

Suno gaur se Pepsi walo. Buri nazar na Coke pe dalo,

Chahe jitna Dew pila lo, Sabse aage hoga

Nimbu Pani... Nimbu Pani... Nimbu Pani... Nimbu Pani...

Humne Piya hai... Tum Bhi Piyo
Humne Piya hai jo... Tum Bhi Piyo!!!

Oh.. yeah this is just in.. an excellent parody of "Gotta keep em Separated - The Offspring"

You gotta keep on litigatin'

With the jury selected

And our client appeased

We keep on laughin' all the way to the courtroom

Winning lawsuits with the greatest of ease

You may find yourself set up to fall

And if they catch you call on "Wynn, Lockehart, and Dahl"

If one guy's stories and the other's don't mix

We're gonna find 'em out

Hey man know how you're gonna plead?

Testify

We gotta keep on litigatin'

Hey man can we discuss our fee?

Plead the Fifth

We gotta keep on litigatin'

Hey they don't pay no fine

If we're really crafty you won't be serving any time

Hey, it's Judgement Day!

By the time your hearing started

We were long on the case

Try so hard to keep you from going to jail

Just don't mention that you like to freebase

But if we get a judge as mean as a troll

No one's getting pardoned

No one's getting paroled

You've over twenty counts of death and violence and rape

Might as well tie your own rope

Hey man know how you're gonna plead?

Testify

We gotta keep on litigatin'

Hey man can we discuss our fee?

Plead the Fifth

We gotta keep on litigatin'

And finishing off with a line from Get Over It- Eagles

The more I think about it, Old Billy was right

Let's kill all the lawyers, kill 'em tonight

PS: To all lawyers... No Hard Feeings :P

I Celebrate Myself

c3l3br4t3:		Tum aaye toh... Hawaaon mein... Ek nashaa...
		Tum aaye toh... Fizaaon mein... Rang sa hai...
		Yeh rang saare... Hain bass tumhare...
		Aur kya... aur kya... aur kya...
k8key:		Stop flirting!!
c3l3br4t3:		Its not everyday I get to talk to such pretty ladies ;)
k8key:		hmmmm
c3l3br4t3:		So... been a really long time since we spoke last... Hows u??
k8key:		I'm good... how bout u?
c3l3br4t3:		Couldn't be better!! So good that I feel like singing...
		Dheere dheere se meri zindagi mein aana..
		Dheere dheere se dilko churana..
		Tumse pyaar hame hai kitna jaan-e-jaana..
		Tumse milkar tumko hai batana!!
k8key:		Stop it will you.. I am in no mood for all this
c3l3br4t3:		Arre.. kya hua? Didn't you like my songs??
k8key:		No yaar its not like that.. Just that I am not feeling up to it.
c3l3br4t3:		Bol na.. whats wrong?
k8key:		Life sucks.. thats what is wrong!!
c3l3br4t3:		And then Life says,"The feelings mutual babe" :P
k8key:		Ha ha ha.. very funny.. but you wont be so jovial if you were in my place
c3l3br4t3:		Sorry.. ab bolo bhi
k8key:		Arre kya bataoon.. nothing is going right in my life god knows what I was thinking when I took this job... pehle toh in this far off place.. away from friends and family and then they make me work like crazy.. Arre P1 issues aise paida karte hain as if its their birth right
c3l3br4t3:		P1 kya??
k8key:		Priority 1... Show stopping error.. have to slog until its gets resolved
c3l3br4t3:		O ok.. but thats part and parcel of work na.. uska kya karein
k8key:		Haan re.. but kya karoon.. cant concentrate on the work na.. Mom had called up.. and we fought... since then I've been really disturbed
c3l3br4t3:		Why did ya'll fight??
k8key:		kuch nahi re.. the usual... she says I dont have time for family and all and that I should look for something new closer to home
c3l3br4t3:		Arre toh thats right na.. even you wanted a shift na.. back home??
k8key:		Yeah.. but I'm beginning to like this freedom also don't have to keep updating Mom when I'm late.. can just lie that I'm already home
c3l3br4t3:		You cant have everything na
k8key:		Tru.. and now I'm feeling bad.. cuz I spoke to Mom harshly, I told her to stop blackmailing me emotionally... brb
-----------------------------------------------------
k8key:		Sorry.. got a call
c3l3br4t3:		Chal jhoothi... I can hear tears flowing
k8key:		:)
c3l3br4t3:		Stop it yaar.. no use crying like this.. Just call up Mom and say sorry
k8key:		I know.. will call her in the morning
c3l3br4t3:		hmmm.. Moms are always understanding.. she will forgive you
k8key:		But will someone else be as understanding??
c3l3br4t3:		who someone else??
k8key:		Someone.. because of whom this one is unhappy.. just because  that one is ignoring this one
c3l3br4t3:		Who are you talking about? And if someone ignores you, just let go. No use moping bout it. Only you'll be losing sleep over it, while the other person is carefree. So its you who lose both ways. If the other person values your friendship then he/she will come back. Else.. good riddance!!!
k8key:		Arre chod na.. I keep getting these madness fits all the time you say.. whats new in your life.. still doing usability testing of games in old job??
c3l3br4t3:		hahahaha you remember that??
k8key:		Ofcourse.. You loved your job didn't you? Oh I wish I could be like you
c3l3br4t3:		Dont even think bout it.. The truth is.. I've been laid off.. thanks to recession, no new projects.. and old ones going away.. So company cant afford me
k8key:		Oh.. I'm so sorry.. I didnt know you were laid off
c3l3br4t3:		arre chillax babe... bade bade logon k saath choti choti baatein hoti rehti hain
k8key:		toh.. what else? Hows everyone at home?
c3l3br4t3:		Theek thaak
k8key:		what do u mean theek thaak?? You usually said "ekdum massst"
c3l3br4t3:		arre kuch nahi yaar.. Just came to know that Dad recently got a rare nerve disorder because of which he can see only with the right halves of both eyes
k8key:		Dude I dont understand... You are going thru so much and still you can be so jovial!!
c3l3br4t3:		Cuz I live for the moment... I met you right now.. So am happy bout it... I'm celebrating it.. I consider every moment of life as a festival.. I celebrate it.. and most of all... I celebrate Myself

This post was published in N-Zine - October 2010 Issue

What's in a Name!!

Few days back had been discussing Shakespeare on a popular forum for IndiBloggers (name witheld for security reasons)...

Whats there in definition... Rose by any other name wud smell the name.. or for that matter even a Fart!!!

So one friend replies...

@shree..... shit man..... anyones bum never called as rose!!

BUM = ROSE.. what a concept

So here's Seal singing Kiss from a Rose to this thought!!!

There used to be a graying tower alone on the sea.

You became the light on the dark side of me.

But did you know,

That when it snows,

My eyes become large and

The light that you shine can be seen.

Baby,

I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray.

Ooh,

The more I get of you,

The stranger it feels, yeah.

And now that your rose is in bloom.

A light hits the gloom on the gray.

There is so much a man can tell you,

So much he can say.

You remain,

My power, my pleasure, my pain, baby

To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny.

Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?

Speaking of ROSE... reminds me of Ms. Rose from Titanic.. standing on the prow of the Titanic while Celine Dion sings "My Heart Will Go On.. Forever"

Now just replace Heart will Fart..in the entire song... and this gives the song an really interesting TWIST!!!

The Creative Crap-Master

Time for the Donkey to praise his own tail!!!

Showcasing some of my "artistic" creations from the past...

For times when you wanted to Kick-Ass!!!

For the love of blogging

Some spoofs of allegedly Best selling English Novellists in India

For all Harry Potter Fans... A former Triwizard Champion!!!

Hmmmm... Absolutely wonderful... I think I'll put all of these in a slide show :P

For the love of Harry Potter

Its been quite a while that I haven't done some Harry Potter bashing. My last post "I dream of Genie" with that scandalous pic (shown below) of Harry and his pal Draco is still quite a hit. Atleast thats what Blogger.com stats say. So in the wake of the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, bringing to your notice some bloopers or to be politically correct - sort of - some lapses in continuity on part of J.K.Rowling in the Harry Potter book series.

Lapse 1

In Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, in Chapter Six - Ghoul in Pajamas:

Hermione: “I’ve also modified my parents’ memories so that they’re convinced they’re really called Wendell and Monica Wilkins, and that their life’s ambition is to move to Australia, which they have now done. That’s to make it more difficult for Voldemort to track them down and interrogate them about me – or you, because unfortunately, I’ve told them quite a bit about you.

In Chapter Nine - A place to Hide, After escaping from Bill and Fleur's wedding, when they overpower 2 Death Eaters on the cafe on Tottenham Court road:

“What are we going to do with them?” Ron whispered to Harry through the dark; then, even more quietly, “Kill them? They’d kill us. They had a good go just now.”

Hermione shuddered and took a step backward. Harry shook his head.

“We just need to wipe their memories,” said Harry. “It’s better like that, it’ll throw them off the scent. If we killed them it’d be obvious we were here.”

“You’re the boss,” said Ron, sounding profoundly relieved. “But I’ve never down a Memory Charm.”

“Nor have I,” said Hermione, “but I know the theory.”

She took a deep, calming breath, then pointed her wand at Dolohov’s forehead and said, “Obliviate.”

Interesting to note, isnt it that people tend to forget.. even stuff that they did to their own parents

Lapse 2

In Chapter 27 - The Final Hiding Place, After having escaped from Gringotts on the Dragon and leaping off into a lake:

They were wincing as they dabbed essence of dittany onto their many injuries. Hermione handed Harry the bottle, then pulled out three bottles of pumpkin juice she had brought from Shell Cottage and clean, dry robes for all of them. They changed and then gulped down the juice.

And after Harry's vision of Voldemort:

Harry's eyes flew open as he wrenched himself back to the present. He was lying on the bank of the lake in the setting sun, and Ron and Hermione were looking down at him. Judging by their worried looks, and by the continued pounding of his scar, his sudden excursion into Voldemort's mind had not passed unnoticed. He struggled up, shivering, vaguely surprised that he was still wet to his skin, and saw the cup lying innocently in the grass before him, and the lake, deep blue shot with gold in the falling sun.

Interesting again... dry clothes getting soaked in a matter of minutes... MAGIC indeed

Lapse 3

In Chapter Ten - Kreacher's Tale, Kreacher explains how he was taken by Voldemort to hide the Locket:

“There was a b-basin full of potion on the island. The D-Dark Lord made Kreacher drink it …”

The elf quaked from head to foot.

“Kreacher drank, and as he drank he saw terrible thing … Kreacher’s insides burned … Kreacher cried for Master Regulus to save him, he cried for his Mistress Black, but the Dark Lord only laughed … He made Kreacher drink all the potion … He dropped a locket into the empty basin … He filled it with more potion.”

And later Kreacher told that Regulus himself drank the potion. But this time who refilled it for Dumbledore?? Was it that refilling technology was implemented later on??

Lapse 4

In Chamber of Secrets, it is revealed that Colin Creevey is a muggle-born. So how come he was at Hogwarts during the war when the rest of the muggle borns were expelled at the beginning of the term. May be Ms. Rowling was desparate to get him killed in the book. What a thing to do to your own characters.. Very bad!!!

P.S.: Thinking of writing a story based in this series.. Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone.. this is an old one but worth the bashing!!

Remembering them

मौत तो यहाँ बड़ी सस्ती है,

मौत तो यहाँ बड़ी सस्ती है...

समुन्दर से आके मुफ्त में बटती है|

Its been 2 years since terror was unleashed on Mumbai. 2 years since the demons coming by way of the sea destroyed our peace, our security, our property. I'm not going to whine or complain about what has changed since then. There may be a lot of angry complaints about nothing has changed, the same callous people ruling and the common man saying "How can we make a difference when they cannot?"

All I want to do is Salute.. salute them who laid down their lives fighting those demons. Pay respects to those innocent people who lost their lives.

But it would be an insult to all these people if we just resign to tha fact that there will be attacks on our cities and that we as a people of this country cannot do anything about it. Just a little bit of alertness from each one of us in this rat race called life, and together we might be able to make a difference.. How??  Its up to you!!!

हाँ, में हिंदुस्तान का वह युवा हूँ

जिसकी कोई खता नहीं,

क्या खबर क्यूँ हुआ पैदा

क्यूँ मरेगा पता नहीं,

मौत तो यहाँ बड़ी सस्ती है,

मौत तो यहाँ बड़ी सस्ती है...

समुन्दर से आके मुफ्त में बटती है

मुझे भगत सिंह की मौत दो,

हज़ार बार मरूँगा...

हज़ार बार मरूँगा...

P.S.: Poetry written by Avadhoot Gupte (Marathi Music Director and Lyricist)

An Ode to Marketing

Yawwwwn.. another boring lecture..another boring presentation... yawwwwwwn... struggling to keep my eyes open.

What was it again?? Porter's 5 Force Model... Porter's 5 Force Model to analyse business environment.. Porter's 5 Force Model for solving problems faced by industry..

Porter's 5 forces pulling... me.. into deeeeeeep sleeeeep... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..

And then in a trance I write an Ode.. an Ode to Marketing!!!

Need का निर्माण फिर फिर, Buyer का आह्वान फिर फिर

यह उठा recession के economy पे छा गया सहसा अंधेरा,

Zero demand के बादलोंने market को इस भांति घेरा

स्तब्द से हो गए साल्स, फिर loss आया और गहरा,

लग रहा था अब न होगा इस निशा का फिर सवेरा

Inflation के उत्पात भयसे भीत जन जन, भीत कण कण,

किन्तु government से subsidy की मोहिनी मुस्कान फिर फिर

Need का निर्माण फिर फिर, Buyer का आह्वान फिर फिर

On regaining consciousness, I write this DISCLAIMER: This verse is not intended to poke fun at Harivanshrai Bacchan or any of his works of art. Kindly enjoy it in the lighter vein that it is written in.

What is love?

Found this great little sms doing rounds...

We know 'TAJ MAHAL' as symbol of love.


But the other lesser known facts:-

1. Mumtaz was Shahjahan's 4th wife, out of his 7 wives.
2. Shahjahan killed Mumtaj's husband to marry her.
3. Mumtaj died in her 14th delivery.
4. He then married Mumtaz's sister.

Question arises

 What is LOVE ??

PS.  My first post thru sms :D

Corrigendum: Shah Jahan did not kill Mumtaz's first husband. That case was true with Salim and Noor Jahan. Or may be not.. Doesn't matter too much :p

Insanity Prevails!!!

I want to turn the whole thing upside down

I'll find the things they say just can't be found

I'll share this love I find with everyone

We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs

This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste

Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and

Upside down

The world looks so much better the wrong side up!!!

Let the Insanity Prevail!!

Lyrics: Upside down by Jack Johnson



Extra-Special Someone

Dreaming of someone,

As gentle as the dew.

Graceful as a someone can be.

Dreaming of someone,

And feeling very blue,

Because I know that someone isn't me.

And how I wish I could change myself.

Change to somebody new.

And how I long to exchange myself.

How I wish I were you.

Dreaming of making,

A garden in my mind,

Where poems grow like leaves on a tree.

Dreaming and waking,

And every time I find,

That extra special someone isn't me.

And how I wish I could change myself.

Change to somebody new.

And how I long to exchange myself.

How I wish I were you.

From an old muppet serial Fraggle Rock. Feeling like putting this down.. but I myself am not sure WHY!!!

Missing Someone

I'll cherish the days we were together,
When I'd hoped that it would last forever.
But now it seems there's nothing I can do..
So today I'll say my goodbye to you!!!

As time passes, it may lessen the pain,
But I will still miss you - time and again
Though it may be long before I MAY see you again,
I know you're happy there in your own heaven

So today I bid you Farewell,
And I shall miss you, mon cher.
But my heart weeps cuz it seems you dont care!!

Cloudscape

At around 2.00 pm somewhere in Lonavala...

Full headlights and still visibility almost Zero!!

Seems like you could walk off the cliffs and onto the clouds!!!

Ahhh!! Heaven!!!

Radio Shitty - Episode 3

WARNING: THIS POST MAY CONTAIN EXPLICIT LANGUAGE. HENCE, IT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL READERS. DISCRETION IS THEREFORE PROBABLY ADVISED.

Radio Jockey (RJ): Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am the Hedonist and welcome to Pressing Issues on Radio Shitty, Mumbai's No.2 Shit Music Radio. Pressing Issues is no-holds-barred interview program in which we ask self-important people exactly what they think about things and then we argue with them for a bit... before leaving with views more extreme than when they came in. Only joking, ladies and gentlemen! This is a show founded on the ancient Greek principle of enlightened debate and the American principle of free speech. Or is that the ancient Greek principle of feeding wise men hemlock and the American principle of being annoying and loud so no one can get a word in? I forget. Only time will tell.

Now, the subject that we are discussing right now on Pressing Issues is Public Safety. In case you haven't noticed, Mumbai City is not a very safe place. These are troubled times. We are troubled people. Some would say we are a people at war with ourselves. Other say we are at war with reality. Another opinion is that it is the fault of society. That, as Plato said, "People don't mean to kill each other." It happens because they are poor or desperate or really thirsty or in need of a vacation or something like that. Another view is that we are all a little confused and really should stay at home, locked in doors and forget about everything as quickly as possible. So, let's press the issue, eh?!

Today on Pressing Issues, we have Mr. XYZ, the latest addition to the state assembly. He got elected because he has great hair and says things that make you nod your head. His campaign appealed to the wealthy because he set all of us at ease by confirming, "It's okay to be rich, as long as you say you care about the children." Mr. XYZ, welcome!!

XYZ: That's not entirely true, Hedonist. My campaign also appealed to the poor... who were too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I held up pretty pictures and then I gave out candy bars to appeal to their most base instincts. Thanks Maurice. I'm glad to be given this opportunity to set the record straight.

Hedonist: I haven't given you any opportunity yet, my heartless friend. Let me first ask you.. Are you doing a good job after being elected. Why is this city going to the dogs if you're hard at work... or should I rephrase it as "Hardly at work"

XYZ: Yesss. I and my colleagues are doing their level best to mis-manage ooops manage this city. Let me tell you what is wrong with this city. Those guys up north just want to open the floodgates, let anyone in, and make you, the ordinary hard-working men and women pay for the pleasure. Well, you have my permission to beat them with sticks. We won't prosecute. You'd be doing us all a favor!

Hedonist: Aww.. stop complaining bout others, xyz. Tell me... Public confidence is at an all-time low. Just the other day I saw a man running amuck wearing a kachcha carrying a Danda.. saying he needed to defend himself and his language... Kachcha dikhao.. Desh ko Bachao!!

XYZ: Well, it's quite simple mister. Immigration is to blame. People are flooding into our city from all over the country. Trash! It's quite simple. They're bringing their high-polluting, upity, out-of-state ways and corrupting the place. Ruin it! That's why I and my organization propose we take Mumbai out of the union and start anew as our own country and ban people from all those fancy places up North from setting foot on our soil.

Hedonist: WHAT?? Have you been snorting some weird kind of drug that making you go hairy in the brain?? Haven't you read the Constitution??

XYZ: Yeah, I sure have. It talks about freedom. Freedom for Mumbai.. from the stench of all those stinky people moving here to work... retire.. or STRUGGLE in movies... Build your own BOLLYWOOD in your own damn state. I mean, I don't go up north to plead for a role for my son. So why should they come here?

Hedonist: XYZ,your views are a little extreme. Plus, I don't believe there is anything like Bollywood up north.. its just Ravi Kisan and his "Tum Hamaar Bhau BHAU"

XYZ: Whatever... They should stop commin' down my way and building HAMAAR LAND. Damn Northerners.. they ain't got no class. My views ain't extreme, mister, they're common sense, and what a lot of people would say if they had the guts. If you let people immigrate here from all over the so-called "UNION" where do we SONS of SOIL go...There's no more room!

Hedonist: You know, you're bordering on racism. What you are saying is a very naughty thing, and only because here on Pressing Issues do we believe so whole-heartedly in "free speech" are we allowing it.

XYZ: It's the truth, my friend, the damn truth, and before you start I am not a racist. I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues, but I especially hate Northerners. Don't come here. Build your own Bollywood, build your own overflowing Virar local, build your own mosquito-infested, ever narrowing Meethi river. I care a damn... Speaking of river... I propose to build a new river... A river of freedom. A river of hope. A river which runs from coast to coast that cuts us off from the other states of wastrels and bad influences to the north. We are going to cut Mumbai off from the mainland of our oppressors and float out into the Arabian Sea singing... Kasakai Bara hai.. I am Mumbhai.. BYE BYE.. BYE BYE!!!

Hedonist: Yes, but what about the little guy? What about the guy who is standing there saying, "I like being part of India. I like it a lot! I get public radio! I can hear the Hedonist. I own a small, one bedroom home... A business selling flowers to people stuck in traffic... Three or four radios, all turned on to Radio Shitty. A dog... 15 ice cubes... But I don't feel safe.

XYZ: Alright! These problems are typical of what happens with an open border to the north. The state is filling up with trash. That's why we need a river. People, I'm telling you pick up your spades, go into your garden. Start diggin' as deep and as far as you can. Pretty soon, the whole state will be flooded in ruin, and then, they'll have to leave. Then, the nation of Mumbai will be free to start over. There're be no long-ass lines for trains, buses, or whatever. Mumbaikars would be free to stand in those lines for as long as they please!! In fact we'll have a queue for every family in Mumbai!!!

Hedonist: And with that far fetched wishfully thought thought, we come to the end of another episode of pressing issues. Ladies and Gentlemen you are listening to The Hedonist on Radio Shitty... Mumbai's No.2 Shit Music Radio. ITS ROTTT!!! Until next time... Its the Hedonist signing off.

Disclaimer: This piece of literary art is purely fictional and has been "inspired" from one of my favourite games GTA Vice City. You'll hear it if you take the trouble of listening carefully to the Radio in the car that you just jacked on the road. It bears not even a remote relation with the current state of affairs round the world... even it may seem highly realistic :P

This post has also been published in the August Volume of N-Zine:  No Nonsense N-tertainment

HEMADEE

HE and DEE sat "alone"

on their carven seat of stone.

Wondering bout the good ol' days,

when one could say "leg pulling" pays.

For now victims were hard to come by,

yeah victims were truly hard to come by.

"Enough!" said one, "Enough?" said the other,

"Time to pull more legs dear brother"

"So strangle your boredom, and drown your woe,

pick up your wits and to the battle we go."

So undeterred by rain, snow, day or night,

Off they went taunting, left, centre and right.

On blogs and forums they wrote,

On everyone their jokes and puns smote.

Especially on good ol' Mag,

Him, into every joke they did drag.

Until there came a day

when Mag wanted to have his say.

And so began the War of words,

with neither spears nor swords.

On one side there were Mag and Nik,

On whom He and Dee tried every trick.

Words were flung that way and this.

O!! it will be a war to reminisce!!

This verse is the third part of the fictitious fantasy that I'm trying to weave around the online personas of a few blogger pals I have met recently... part of

The MAGNIK Chronicles

MAG

Oh there are many rhymes unsung,

When the world was still young,

And the forests and glades green,

And shameless "blog-vertising" unseen.

And then Mag was born and walked around,

And his blog with madness he drowned.

The winds of lunacy inspired him,

Escaping his wit, there were chances slim.

O the Great Mag was an Insane thing,

whom every blogger was cursing.

He wandered on Blogger and wordpress strands,

Way beyond mere mortal lands.

His posts were long, his posts were keen,

His insane blog from afar was seen.

All the stars populating the heaven,

Were mirrored in his words silvern.

This verse is the second part of the fictitious fantasy that I'm trying to weave around the online personas of a few blogger pals I have met recently... part of

The MAGNIK Chronicles

NIK

A blogger-dame there was of old,

A shining star she was by day.

Her blog green with a riches untold,

In her posts she had a lot to say.

Her hair was long, her limbs white,

And fair she was and free.

And in the wind she went as light,

As flower of the pear tree.

There was an glitter in her gaze,

And a light upon her hair.

As if the sun poured golden rays,

On sweet Nik fair.

Hail Nik, royal maiden rare,

Slender as steel-blade, strong and fair.

Flame upon the field of battle,

Making enemies tremble, quake and rattle.

This verse (if you want to call it a verse) is part of a fictitious fantasy that I'm trying to weave around the online personas of a few blogger pals I have met recently. I want to call this fantasy...

The MAGNIK Chronicles.

Paparazzi!!!

What do u think when you look at this??

You're just too good to be true.

Can't take my eyes off you.

You'd be like Heaven to touch.

I wanna hold you so much.

At long last love has arrived

And I thank God I'm alive.

You're just too good to be true.

Can't take my eyes off you.

But take a look at the real picture...

Paparazzi.. at their best!!!

Radio Shitty - Episode 2

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE. HENCE, IT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL READERS. DISCRETION IS THEREFORE ADVISED.

Welcome to RADIO SHITTYYYY

Mumbai's No. 2 SHIT MUSIC RADIO

IT'S ROTTT!!!

You're with me, The Hedonist, your super creative, super intelligent, super umm.. super RJ friend. OK OK I aint that super that I can make 5 villains lose balance at the flick of a towel or reverse a train at the pat of my THUNDER THIGH. Its time now for the NEWS so let me start with...

HELLO.. NAMASKAR... PESH HAI AAJ K BAASI SAMAACHAAR...

And in today's scoop, we have PRADHAN MANTRIJI's anokha roop..

Pagdi ko thoda sa oopar chada k

kaan mein Reliance ka cell phone daba k

Mamta se kar rahe baat

Meera ko leke saath

Chal pade Manmohan Axe Deo Spray lagake

Sonia ka patta kata reeeeeee

Tera kya hoga Sushma reeeee

Sonia ka patta kata reeeeeee

Tera kya hoga Sushma reeeee...

sushma re.. sushma re..sushma re!!

And then we have our very own Laluji with his own anti-family planning campaign

OUU ka hai k hamaar bitwa ne PHINK FLAEED se INISPIRE ho k gaan likha hai..

Phillum mein jaise aaj kal ANTI HERO ka Phashion hai..

Shame to shame hamne anti-family planning campaign shuru ki hai..

Gaan suno aur maje karo.. angreji hai thoda samajh lena

We dont need sex education..

we dont need no birth contrrroll..

No CONDOMS in the bedroom..

Preachers leave us MEN alone!!

HEY!! PREACHERS!! LEAVE US MEN ALONE!!

WAH Bitwa wah

This is just in.. reality show judge and bhangra singer Daler Mehendi was caught parking his car in the middle of Mumbai Pune Expressway. He was heard singing

Oil hua mehenga.. diesel hua mehenga

Gas hua mehenga.. putrol hua mehenga

Bina inke gaddi nahi chalegi..

Oh bolo maaro dhakka..

Maaro dhakka maaro dhakkaa maaro dhakka

Maaro dhakka maaro dhakkaa maaro dhakka

Until next time keep listening to RADIO SHITTYYYY

Mumbai's No. 2 SHIT MUSIC RADIO
IT'S ROTTT!!!

It's all over

"Ha ha ha ha.. that was a good one.." he was laughing out loud at another joke someone had cracked. Just then Sonia walked in and stood next to where he was sitting. Casually he looked up. Her eyes were brimming with tears. Nobody else seemed to have noticed.

"Something wrong??" He mouthed without speaking aloud. She nodded and walked out. He followed her outside on to the terrace. She sat down on the ledge and started weeping.

"It's all over!!!" she said, "he broke up with me. Nothing's left anymore."

"Hey relax! It's not the end of the world," he tried to console her.

 Her relationship with her boyfriend had been in doldrums for the past couple of months.

"I don't know. He was the world for me. I don't know what I am going to do now," she started weeping again.

That night he did not sleep a wink. All he saw was that sad face.. those tears flowing from her eyes.. and those words...

"IT'S ALL OVER...IT'S ALL OVER"

Rat Race

A class apart but still stuck in the rat-race....

And  the trouble with the Rat Race is.... Even if you win it...

You're still a RAT!!!!

Kahani May Twist... or May be not

Am thinking of changing careers to being a film maker. My first movie being a Science Fiction movie... with a TWIST!!!

Heres a still from the movie.

Nothing too Sci-Fi in my movie... Definitely not a grave Alien Danger looming up on earth with True Americans with Head and Shoulder's Shampoo to save all mankind... and Definitely not an Avatar of the good old "Cowboys v/s Indians" movies where the aliens are us (Read US as in Untied Slates) and these "us" are defeated by an loner from amongst "us" who's in love with someone who's one of the  locals who're themselves just another version of "us" (looks and accents included)

Coming back to my story... It's just the typical expedition to a lonesome planet bringing back spores of Giant Killer Worms (shown in the pic) which then grow humongous and attack Mumbai City... only to be defeated by our very own Catarnak Superheroine... the not-so-friendly neighbourhood Auntyji and her meow-rick friends. Nah... I aint gonna post pics of my Super Heroines yet... Its supposed to be a Surprise!!!!!

Aww.. ok... I'll ease your curiosity with a prop that my Superheroines might be using..

But be careful... like its said... too much curiosity killed the CAT..... MEOWWWWW!!!

P.S. Nothing Scifi about the pic... its just the old Capitol Cinema right outside CST (erstwhile Victoria Terminus) in Mumbai... with it ventilation ducts for its unrelenting patrons who refused to stop visiting even during renovation!!!

Happy V-Day

Wishing everyone a very happy V-Day :P

In view of the current recession and rising inflation, I have shifted from roses to a more economical alternative :D

B-School Crap Analysis

Industry experts today said that students at the Indian Institutes of Management (IIM) lack the quality to cope with the market turbulence due to a lack of practical training.

"IIMs are not producing the kind of students required by the industry. The kind of people industry today requires are those who have the competence to work under ambiguity and have the agility to cope with different dynamic situations," said Rajeev Bhadauria, president, Human Resources, Reliance ADAG, speaking at 'Connexion' a PGPX (Post Graduate Programme for Executives) conclave organised at IIM-A."Dynamism should be the primary input today in all models of education that we propose to teach. So, our curriculum must make people dynamic," he added. He was one of the panelists on "Bridging the divide between academia and industry". Others said that students lack practical training and real management issues in industry.

Dr Biju Paul Abraham, Chairman, Post Graduate Programme for Executives at IIM-Calcutta said, "We at business schools are failing in terms of teaching the basics. We teach them in ways that we want to teach, and not the way they want to learn; so there is a problem of teaching basics at B-schools." He said the business schools need to concentrate on teaching the basics and also need to ensure that it is taught well.

Former IIM professor T V Rao, also the Chairman of the Ahmedabad-based TV Rao Learning System Private Ltd, however, said: "I think the gap should always be there, otherwise B-Schools shall become industry and industry shall become B-Schools."

News released by Press Trust of India/Yahoo news

 

PS: Ain't that an excellent play of words to cover up for incompetence?

Radio Shitty - Episode 1

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE. HENCE, IT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL READERS. DISCRETION IS THEREFORE ADVISED.

Radio Jockey (RJ): Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am the Hedonist and welcome to Pressing Issues on Radio Shitty, Mumbai's No.2 Shit Music Radio. Pressing Issues is no-holds-barred interview program in which we ask self-important people exactly what they think about things and then we argue with them for a bit... before leaving with views more extreme than when they came in. Only joking, ladies and gentlemen! This is a show founded on the ancient Greek principle of enlightened debate and the American principle of free speech. Or is that the ancient Greek principle of feeding wise men hemlock and the American principle of being annoying and loud so no one can get a word in? I forget. Only time will tell.

Today we have on Pressing Issues, sitting to my right here... in fact to everyone's right, Alex Shrub, the youngest state politician to ever be elected and now a respected man in the capital. Mr. Shrub got elected because he has great hair and says things that make you nod your head. His campaign appealed to the wealthy because he set all of us at ease by confirming, "It's okay to be rich, as long as you say you care about the children." Mr. Shrub, welcome!

Shrub: That's not entirely true, Hedonist. My campaign also appealed to the poor... who were too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I held up pretty pictures and then I gave out candy bars to appeal to their most base instincts. Thanks Hedonist. I'm glad to be given this opportunity to set the record straight.

RJ: I haven't given you any opportunity yet, my heartless friend. Let me ask you the questions first.

Shrub: I hope this isn't going to get personal. I love this city more than anyone, and I can prove it.

RJ: Yes, that's coming from the man who got elected by calling his opponent a "buffalo butt" and a fat, hen-pecked wimp that couldn't fight his way out of a wet, paper bag. Anyways, let’s start. So Mr. Shrub, crime is up in the city, government officials are squabbling amongst themselves perennially competing for who makes more money via the under-the-table route, public morale is at an all time low. Do you think the government is doing a good job?

Shrub: Absolutely! Those statistics are interesting, but like all statistics, they are also irrelevant. Let me give you a better statistic, Hedonist. In 2008, when I was elected, you were - according to the intelligence gathered on you - a man with no mission. You realising that you were a hollow man with no real personality, decided to become a blogger... and despite writing 20 blog posts in that year, you did not get even a single follower. An idiotic Crapper felt sorry for you and went about shamelessly publicising your blog and now you can boast of being author of 2 sparsely read blogs and being sleeping author on a third. You have a reputation for being a "good" designer of blog layouts and you are on top of the world. So answer me this... Can you really say the years of living under my administration have been bad for you?

RJ: Eh, eh. We are not talking about me. This is Pressing Issues, not Pressing Hedonist. You, Shrub! You yellow-bellied, tie-wearing, bribe-takin' hypocrite! What have you done for the city up there in the capital? You got elected on a campaign promising to reduce taxes to zero... But under your stewardship, we've seen taxes go up by 20% and services decline!

Shrub: No one is interested in your statistics, Hedonist. Let me tell you something pal, I'm better than that. I will not- I shall not, I cannot stoop to your level. They assured me that this was a show that understood politics, where we can debate mano-a-mano, and I find myself having statistics hurled at me like so much stale confetti. We cannot boil people down to numbers! You have no idea, my friend, what it takes to serve, the sacrifices I've made to help my country, to help the city. The complexity of government, the... the hideousness of my 6 bedroom apartment and... the way dust and litter and pending reforms grow in there like our national debt. Oh oh, sure... Some people like that, but not me! It's a nightmare, my friend, and I can scarcely get up in the morning.

RJ: Excellent, but back to the matter at hand: Public safety. How do we get crime under control in this city?

Shrub: We don't need crime control. What we need is to get scare-mongers and non-believers, men like you Hedonist, under control. I've got a good mind to get your funding removed.

RJ: We don't get any funding.

Shrub: Exactly. But... Good! Heh, you won't see a penny out of me! You've got to stop spreading these lies or I'll whip you myself and I'm not afraid. Trouble is caused by unemployment, and unemployment comes from poor, economic performance and lazy people. If you had job, would you steal a car? Of course not! ...And if you had a high-rise condo, a mistress, uh... and a seat on the board, would you run around graffitiing your name all over town and making a nuisance of yourself, spinning on your back, and poppin' and lockin' and... Not a hope. It's simple. If you don't have a job, starve. Get out of my constituency by force if necessary, and starve.

RJ: Oh it’s that simple is it? But what about the guy getting beaten up on the street? Or the man having his motorcycle stolen? What about him?

Shrub: ...Or her! Some of the best bikers are really women. The other day, I picked up a young woman biker in my convertible and we discussed a non-violent solution to war. We called it peace. This city needs hope not your silly songs and blogs or sending money and food to the poor. Songs and blogs will get you nowhere. This country needs something to aim for, like being rich and laughing at poor people... Or, being in government and laughing at the electorate.

RJ: Oh!! Is this why ever since you got elected, Vice City has been characterized by a government who cut aid to the poor, offered tax breaks to the rich, and paid people to dump toxic waste near schools.

Shrub: Yes, we've made a lot of progress! It ain't by magic or cookin' the books (we save that for "education"), but as in most things we in government are saving money so that you don't have to. When we spend less money on services, more goes to administration salaries and expenses which helps make lives a lot less difficult for everybody. It's about sharing; sharing your taxes out amongst the select few. That's why I worked so hard at school, so I can reap the rewards now.

RJ: Mmm... I thought you worked hard at school because the other kids laughed at you and called you a square.

Shrub: Tha-That's a damn lie! They called me wet fart.

RJ: So, with people being set such a bad example by big business and the politicians, how are they supposed to respect each other, to act safely in society, and how are they policed by a demoralized and under-funded police force.

Shrub: Well... I'm afraid that's apparently quite a difficult question, but my solution is easy. I'm going to talk for a long time about a subject not in anyway related and pretty soon people will forget about it. I'll remind people that I have a great haircut, and under my stewardship Vice City has had, on average, 15% better weather than before, while crime rates only go up if you don't turn the graph upside down. Turn it upside down, and they have halved- HALVED under me, Alex Shrub. Vote Shrub for president and you'll have a friendly face in the Parliament. A man you can trust. A local man who likes golf, and laughing, and photo opportunities at your store or place of business. Just send me a letter. I'll send you an automated, photocopied response. We call it "democracy" and that's where the money goes.

RJ: Uh, just a minute-

Shrub: Don't interrupt! Let me finish.

RJ: But you're not-

Shrub: This man won't let me speak! You, Shorty! Shut up and let me speak! I'm taller than him, ladies and gentlemen, by at least three inches, which means I'm a lot more respectable looking. Everyone knows politicians lie and steal and cheat, but at least with me in charge, you know I look good and I have a very supercilious manner. Besides which, I've been abroad and I prefer it here because I'm a man of the people. Vote Shrub! You'll get richer and you won't feel guilty about it!

RJ: Enough! We're running out of time and you completely failed to answer the question.

Shrub: I'm a professional. That's my job.

RJ: Very Well... Ladies and Gentlemen, you are listening to Pressing Issues with me, The Hedonist. Presiding over the least informed debate on the radio. In this episode, we had Alex Shrub talking about his contribution - as our elected representative - to public safety. This is the Hedonist - Signing off

Disclaimer: This piece of literary art is purely fictional and has been "inspired" from one of my favourite games GTA Vice City. You'll hear it if you take the trouble of listening carefully to the Radio in the car that you just jacked on the road. It bears not even a remote relation with the current state of affairs round the world... even it may seem highly realistic :P